who am i?
I am from parents who run their life by the small-scale agricultural business. I am the first child for my parents and entirely we are nine family members. Currently, all of my brothers and sisters are attending their school whereby my parents face economic and financial difficulties to finance the school expenses so that my parent's income is not enough to pay my school fees after covering other school fees. In my primary, secondary and tertiary school, I do chicken farming and small agricultural business during my vacation to cover my school expenses and I have worked hard ever since to relieve pressure from my family. I am compassionate and always trying to see other people's perspectives and understand them. Believing in God, hard work, tolerance, and hope help me to see the frontiers of tomorrow's shine day. My family's moral support and encouragement was also contributed to the person who I am today. I am genuinely happy and caring. I admit I sometimes think I should put my feelings aside and be more rational, but the feel is what I am supposed to do and is the thing I do best. I believe that compassion, trust, and love are very important in all of the relationships and these make us human. In my opinion, it is essential that we get to know ourselves, even if we do not know what exactly makes us the people we are. Generally, based on my personal criteria as a person I am committed, organized, energetic, disciplined, sympathetic, feel positive and negative, have emotions, self-control and believing in God, tolerance, hope, moral support of my family and fellow friends and able to make a decision makes me the person who I am today.@Dinaol1234
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you clarity on what you need to do to improve your writing in the long-run.
First and foremost, while I appreciate the first parts of the paragraph, you were unable to provide a firm response to the initial question that was presented by the essay's requirements. The initial question that was proposed was "who am I?" - throughout your writing, you were giving out descriptions of yourself without necessarily giving out a straight answer. Remember that the first sentences should always try to answer this question, especially if you are working with such elaborate content.
The latter parts of your writing should also be treated with the same regard. Focus more on the transition that you have in between your writing. It is critical that you are able to show that you are linked with the values that you presented as reflections of yourself. Rather than focusing too much on these values, try to focus more on the experiences that you've encountered and then stitch everything altogether in a well-mannered and intended conclusive paragraph.
