Hey guys. I don't know if I really answer the question for both of these prompts. You can read one of them or both! but please help me grade them!
PROMPT I:
Required for all applicants: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community? (Please answer in one page, approximately 500 words.)
As I am transitioning into a new and more academically stimulating environment, I've come to develop important ideas regarding what I want to do and learn as a mechanical engineering major. Living in a very dynamic and fast-pacing world where new ideas bring about new and advanced machines and technology, I'm very interested in conducting research relevant to fluid and structural mechanics. I hope to learn and acquire the necessary knowledge such as deformations, stress, and energy particles in those fields to help address the human needs in the future. The knowledge will also enable me to break the limitations and ongoing problems in the designing field and contribute greatly to the world around me. In addition, I hope to learn and develop the required leadership and management skills in order to help enhance my social abilities to work on a professional level as an engineer and continue to help me flourish personally and intellectually. I believe that I will be able effectively execute my responsibilities and greatly influence the less-experienced engineers at UPENN.
I am very determined to follow the school that will provide for me the necessary skills and education needed in order to successfully become a mechanical engineer. Even if it means boldly applying to a prestigious and competitive school, I am very committed to do so. I hope to work with other students to design unique engineering projects and use the skills acquired to contribute to the school's leadership in math and engineering.
PROMPT II:
Optional short essay (approximately 150 words): introduce yourself to Penn. Our aim is to better understand how your identity, talents, and background guide your day-to-day experiences.
From building Lego figures to building wooden towers, I perceive the world differently from the average person. I view everything I see as a building block that will contribute to something greater in the near future. From something as simple as a wooden table to something as complex as a skyscraper, everything has a purpose in transforming the innovative world. When one might see a Lego piece as just a child's toy, I see it as a potential piece of novelty that will give rise to new ideas that might revolutionize advanced technology. Just as everything has a foundation, everything will serve as a foundation for new inventions and ground-breaking knowledge that will help pave the road in the future.
You have very good writing skill, the second essay is near perfect, in my humble opinion. The first essay could use a little work. A few of your sentences are quite long, so you may want to simplify them.
As I am transitioning into a new and more academically stimulating environment, I've come to develop important ideas regarding what I want to do and learn as a mechanical engineering major.
In addition, I hope to learn and develop the required leadership and management skills in order to help enhance my social abilities to work on a professional level as an engineer and continue to help me flourish personally and intellectually.
Otherwise, you have a great paper and you sound mature. Good luck in school!
