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Photography: goals for your time at Queen's University and beyond


mimiyiru 2 / 8  
Jan 19, 2011   #1
I'm really not sure about this essay. I would appreciate for any kind of suggestions!! Thnks.

Photography has always been my greatest hobby. While capturing spectacular moments, the entire surrounding world vanishes, leaving me and the scene under the spotlight in the middle of darkness. That's when the words PASSION and JOY are written all over my face. Indeed, this hobby has inspired me with the recognition that interest, passion and a pinch of pressure are the best catalyst for success and it would extend further onto my career.

First,I need a place that will provide me with new learning methods and a unique environment in order to seek for my passion. I might be inspired by a short conversation with the professor after class, a volunteering experience at AMS, a evening working out in the Queen's Center or a sunny afternoon cycling along waterfront parks in Kingston. These inspirations will lead me to my path. That's what I'm looking for at Queen's and attribute to my future.

Then, I want this passion to influence my job. Bodo, my host-father during my exchange program in germany, is a metal engineer. No matter how exhausting his work was, he would still answer every detail question I asked about his work with great passion. I was moved by his love of his job. Also, as Steve Jobs once said, "I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did." I hope one day, I can stand in front of a crowd and introduce my own design as he does.

I foresee myself being a well respected Engineer, a creative Photographer, a global citizen and maybe the Secretary General of the United Nations all made possible through my Queen's Experience which will inspire me to make a difference in the world.
charpay_k 5 / 13  
Jan 19, 2011   #2
Oh! You are applying to the same university with me!!

Well, your writing of your hobby is beautiful! The whole passage is good!! But, would it be better if you delete words like 'First', 'Then'? cos it is not an argument and your readers can catch your points without these words!
OP mimiyiru 2 / 8  
Jan 19, 2011   #3
to bestgirl
Thanks, it really makes me feel better, is there something wrong with the grammer?

to charpay k
Really!? we are? that's cool! I guess you're Chinese? am I right?
well, I agree with you. At the beginning I got some suggestions with my first draft that my whole logic was a bit chaos and so I added those words, but it really sounds too hard, isn't it. I'll take that advice. and thanks, I like my beginning part too, but I'm just so poor at vocabulary :(

good luck to both of us!
bestgirl 2 / 7  
Jan 19, 2011   #4
to mimiyiru
I m a chinese to. i m bad in grammar
OP mimiyiru 2 / 8  
Jan 19, 2011   #5
hey! Chinese are everywhere lol.
well, I've had it editted for many times already, so grammer falses have been corrected.:D
I just found this forum. love it!
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Jan 30, 2011   #6
That's when the words PASSION and JOY are written all over my face.--wonderful idea, but I think you should use " " marks instead of capital letters:

That's when the words "passion" and "joy" are written all over my face.

...pinch of pressure... nice.

... are the best catalysts for success, and it would extend further onto into my career.

Actually, in that sentence above I think you should REVISE the last few words so that they express a distinct process... something memorable. What are your unique goals? I bet you have at least 10, so choose a few to share here as the THEME for the essay. Revise the last sentence of this first paragraph so that it shows an interesting theme that will stick in the reader's mind. It has to be the unique thing, the thing you are all about. It is a combination of visual art and something else, I think. :-)

germany Germany

... through my Queen's Experience, which will inspire me to make a difference in the world.

Nice job, you write very well!
Shandana 4 / 12  
Jan 30, 2011   #7
Don't capitalise whole words - you should let the punctuation and words speak for themselves (:
OP mimiyiru 2 / 8  
Jan 31, 2011   #8
thanks! oops~ too late...i've already submitted it.
but I'll work on that unique and sparkelling point in my next essays!
I still appreciate it a lot, There are so many things to learn about writing!

ps. Happy Chinese New Year to everyone. :D


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