Please critique my essay.
If you had a second chance - the opportunity to do something over and do it differently - what would you choose to do over and what changes would you make? Starting from an early age I began my musical career by learning to play the piano. I attended weekly lessons in my hometown in Seoul, South Korea where I eventually played better than my teacher's other students in a short period of time. So my love for the musical instrument intensified as I began to take pride in my improvement. However, my love for playing the piano soon diminished when my family decided to immigrate to the United States.
Immigrating to the United States took a toll in my mentality. Trying to assimilating myself into the new culture, new language, and new variety of people induced great stress. Because adapting to my new life took a large part of my time, I did not have the opportunity to play the piano. Also my family was not financially stable to afford a piano for me to practice on. So the vast amount of time off from playing the piano significantly reduced my ability of playing the piano.
My passion for the musical instrument changed drastically. When my mom found a teacher to give me piano lessons few years later, I had second thoughts about replaying the musical instrument. I felt embarrassed that I forgot even the basics from not being able to touch the keys for a long time. I eventually surpassed my original level, but at great lengths. I became quite frustrated at my slow learning speed and eventually lost the love for playing the piano. Due to my sister's hospitalization with a brain tumor, I was relieved of taking lessons and I haven't hit a piano key since.
After quitting the piano, I tried to continue my musical career with various instruments such as the cello, guitar, and the bass guitar. However, I realized that the basics I learned while playing those instruments were all encompassed in the piano. The knowledge of the notes that combine to bring out a harmonious chord, or the notes that correspond with each other during scales was from the fundamentals of playing the piano. Had I known that sooner and continued playing, the piano would have facilitated my learning process of other instruments.
After learning to play various instruments, I regret quitting the piano. Realizing that the piano is a fundamental component to various instruments, I wish that my passion for the piano never died. If I could redo my childhood years, I would have continued playing the piano for I now know the knowledge to utilize the distinct sounds of the 88 keys will greatly help my musical career.
Also please see if my essay answers the question. im having problems with that. Thank you in Advance.
Hey James,
I can't really give you a proper critique but one thing I found odd was " ... the piano..." . It just keeps repeating itself over and over again. The combination of these two words has been repeated 14 times in your 450 word essay. So could you manipulate your sentence structures to decrease it accordingly?
Starting from an early age I began my musical career by learning to play the piano.
Efficiency. This sentence needs to be more efficient... like this:
I began my musical career at an early age by learning piano.
Let's not use both "eventually" and "in a short period of time"
eventually soon was able to play better than my teacher's other students.
in a short period of time.... took a toll
in my mentality on my mental clarity. Trying to
assimilating assimilate
...for
I now know u nderstanding the distinct sounds of the 88 keys will greatly help my musical career. ---Great ending! Yes, I do think you answered the prompt very well.
:-)
