For Common app activity essay. I've wrote about two of activities.
I love both activities and i don't know which one to pick. please help me choosing one/tell me which one is better choice!!
Plus, since it's my 1st draft, and English isn't my first language, I need a lot of help on grammar/style.
Please critique me on my grammar/style/overall.
Thank you!!
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
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I have been playing the piano since I was seven; therefore, I could play quite professionally for my church and several performances. However, about two years ago, I saw an orchestra performing at local theatre, and at that moment, I wanted to join the orchestra so bad. Although the piece was a piano concerto and the soloist was flawless, one piano just couldn't beat the beautiful harmony of seventy different players. That's how I started violin. I started to take some lessons, but my mother couldn't afford money for weekly lessons; therefore, I practiced on my own by watching Youtube clips. After six months, I auditioned for an orchestra, and I was lucky to make it. Now I'm playing first violin at two major orchestra, and I love every aspects of being in the orchestra. It was the time when I felt a great sense of accomplishment.
My friends think of me as a stereotypical Asian because I'm an Asian who is in Asian club. To be honest, the initial reason why I joined the Asian club is because I thought it was mandatory for Asian students. By the time, I was an immigrant from a homogenous country who couldn't even speak English fluently -I was not ready for such a diverse world. However, my friends in the club were the students like me who had overcome the difficulties that I was going through. With their help I could participate school-wide events and perfectly adapt into the new diverse society. I still feel like home when I'm in the club, and now, I want others to experience the same thing. As the president of the club now, I will help students like me to feel like home.
use the piano essay. these are my edits
(edit version)
Piano has been my instrument of choice since I was seven. I have played for my church and several local events, but tro years ago, my passion changed. I saw an orchestra(say what orchestra) performing at local theatre, (insert desciptive phrase). Although the piece was a lovely piano concerto and the soloist was flawless, one piano could not beat the beautiful harmony of seventy different players. Thus, my love for violin was born. I began taking lessons, but my mother could not afford the weekly expense. Therefore, I practiced on my own by watching Youtube clips. After six months, I auditioned for an(was is a schoo orchestra? community orchestra) orchestra, and I was lucky to make it. Now I am first violin at two major orchestras, and I love every minute of it. It was the time when I felt a great sense of accomplishment.
use more descriptions, show me dont tell me
can you edit and remark on my homelessness essay
two major orchestra...
What is the plural of the word "orchestra?" I think it is "orchestras."
So.. do this:
two major orchestras...
My friends think of me as a stereotypical Asian because I'm an Asian who is in Asian club. -----This sentence is good, rhythmic, powerful writing. I like this sentence a lot, and I also like the sentence that says you were "lucky to make it [into the orchestra]."
Learning from Youtube and following the interest is a great accomplishment! I'm glad you included this, because it will make people feel very impressed.
To be honest, the initial reason why I joined the Asian club is was that because I thought it was mandatory for Asian students. ----Wow, very interesting... ha ha, you are a great writer.
At that By the time, I was an immigrant from a homogenous country, and I who couldn't even speak English fluently. -I I was not ready for such a diverse world.
:-)
