Prompt: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)
here's my essay it's 702 words. thanks in advance! :)
A gentle beam of summer sunlight cascaded over my languid face. I attempted to sneak a peek at the clock; it was almost noon. It's been nearly almost 3 weeks since I've flown from Virginia to Taiwan, yet somehow I can't seem to escape the jet lag that haunts me. My heavy eyelids opened to stare at the sickening pale ceiling; quickly I closed them and groaned. At the speed of a snail, I crawled out of bed and fumbled for a cup of tea in my grandma's native kitchen then headed toward the hospital.
"This is how you work a gurney, the sheets are over there, and always be alert of the ambulances coming in." the nurse announced in her monotone voice to me and my three fellow comrades. As she continued, my mind wandered off about what to eat for lunch. Out of the blue someone nudged me.
"Why did you pick the emergency room?" one of the three comrades, John, who was the same age as me, whispered.
I raised an eyebrow, surprised at his boldness.
"Most girls I know try to stay away from areas like this, five feet away from a slight sign of blood and all of them go hysterical."
Was that legitimate? I thought to myself. Before I could answer, the noise of an ambulance intruded.
A tiny fragile girl lay unconscious on the gurney; her sister looked abashed.
"We were turning at an intersection, and suddenly everything just went vague! When I woke up Jenny was on the way to the hospital!" the sister cried to the police.
"SOMEONE PAGE DR. HUANG NOW!" a senior nurse yelled.
My palms began to feel clammy, adrenaline hit me like a crashing wave, and my heart pounded like a racing cheetah.
"Alright, I need all four of you to come around and help me lift her in sync." The nurse with the monotone voice instructed.
Just when I thought that was the highlight of my afternoon, two more ambulances pulled up and everyone departed to help.
In the midst of nurses yelling, family members sobbing, and the police talking, I felt short of breath, almost claustrophobic. Perhaps because it was so preserving that somehow no one detected the girl with tears running down her delicate face with a torn shirt, a massive pile of blood stain on her unbuckled shorts, a left shoe missing, and her scrapped knees and bruised arms. Without hesitation, I hurried over to her with a blanket and wrapped my arms around her boney shoulders.
"If you don't mind the nurses need you to urinate in this container so they can send it for investigation." I spoke softly.
Outside the ladies' room I paced anxiously back and forth like a helpless mother waiting for her child to return. Twenty minutes flew by before my intuition had me rushing inside like a mad man. There she was, a vulnerable, frightened girl who was not much younger than me, hidden in the corner. As I sat on the slick floor holding her from quivering, I glanced at my watch; it was 30 minutes after my shift. In between all the chaos, my feeling of hunger, laziness, and ignoble complaints of how my shirt did not match my shoes suddenly all vanished.
So my entire summer went on and bedazzled me every day with events that you thought you may only encounter on the television in your living room or the big flat screen in a movie theater near your house. Even though not every day was filled with shocking scenes like a broken back, stroke, or missing hand, but rather something simple as paper work, delivering blood samples, or eating dinner and conversing with patients. I wanted to show them that I WANTED to be there and not just another teenager looking for volunteer hours.
Whether easy or hard work, it paid off. It was a significant experience that showed me the flimsy side of life, and taught me that helping others doesn't necessary require you to know someone's name, or their background, it just means giving your time, energy, love and all your concern without asking for something in return, because you truly care.
This is absolutely amazing description and you can easily see the passion through the writing. It does need to be cut down a lot to meet the maximum character limit. I feel like you can actually cut out everything before "Someone page Dr. Huang now." Also, if you really need to, you could cut the second to last paragraph out, starting with "So my entire summer went on..." Other than that, don't change anything. Great response and really gave great perspective and passion.
Try to take out most of the dialogue. The dialogue comes off as more of a story than your internal conviction of a life changing experience. You can use that space to elaborate more on how you felt about your experience and try to say the same thing with less words and less dialogue. You probably want to end by saying what you learned from this experience, such as This little girl before me brought out my doctoral instincts to help someone in dire need. I came there to experience the emergency room, but I gained a whole lot more. This life changing experience helped me realize I want to stay in the medical field and make sure girls like her never have to feel scared after a traumatic incident. Also you might add what this experience helped you realize you want to do in the future. And another thing, keep your descriptive narrative, but try to say more with less, but keep the content consistent, your essay in good and unique. Finally, elaborate on how that boy's comment made you feel instead of just a facial expression. You can include your facial expression in the explanation to your reaction, but it should not be the only thing. Good luck.
