I'm applying for UT transfer this summer, and this is one of the two essays I need to write. I made my best shot at a first attempt, but I'd love some input. Here's the essay:
"As a homeschooled individual, I've always had a desire to learn. After all, it's what motivated me through high school, and continues to at Austin Community College. When I find a topic interesting, studying stops being work, and more about enjoyment. I enjoy learning about the past in history, in fact I'm quite sad that there's no more history classes required of me. So I read about it in my free time. I enjoy government and economics, because after all, if I don't learn about them and vote my conscience, then I would end up a sheep. I loved my psychology class, human behavior is interesting to me. Most of all, I love my computer science classes. While it's true that I already know most of the material, I like helping the other students understand how to program, in ways that the professor can't always convey. Seeing them where I was awhile ago, but being able to contribute to their progress makes me feel like an asset, useful and knowledgable.
Ever since my first program, I've always enjoyed coding. In fact, I hope to do just that in the job field. I've narrowed it down to two ideas for my dream job, and I would love to do either. I want to be a white hat hacker, otherwise known as a type of security analyst. Breaking into a system to help find possible breaches and backdoors sounds exciting to me. Being able to keep other's privacy or hard work safe, well that's a huge plus to the job as well. The other job, I want to do the programming for a game. Ever since I've played The Witcher 2, and seeing the passion and love for the game the developers put into it, that's something I hope to contribute to. I wish to put love and passion into my work for a people to enjoy and maybe love as much as I do.
I gain fulfillment out of working hard, studying hard and putting my all into a project. Whether that's my job, my relationship, or a test, I strive not necessarily to be the best there is, but the best I can be. I might not always succeed at what i'm trying to accomplish, but that's okay. I always put my all into doing what I can. For work, I do my best to accomplish all I can. All of my bosses have loved having me around, and my current job at Starbucks is no different. I like to stay loyal to my employers, but not in a blind to the world kind of way. I don't drift from job to job, I tend to stay with the one I have. I don't quit. I'm not a quitter and never have been. For my relationships, I'm always there for my few close friends, and I stick with them. disagreements, fights, it's all stuff that can be worked through or moved past. I love my fiancé and I'm loyal to her to the end, we're making our live work together. I study hard, I work for hours on end, and I don't compromise.
I put school and my future first, and with that, I don't have much of a social life or partake in vices. I don't party, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't go clubbing. I feel like those vices get in the way of what's important to me, and for my life. What's important is my education, a loving relationship, and a good job. Vices go against everything I work for and desire.
So why would I pick the University of Texas? Simple. The computer science program is exactly what I'm looking for. Specialized, prestigious, and a place to allow me to unleash myself into my work. I need a university that will take me all the way to my future job, and I hope the University of Texas at Austin is looking for a hard-working student that will strive to do the best he can. "
I hope I did alright, I'm certainly not expecting perfection, and y'alls input would be greatly appreciated. Go ahead and criticize all you want; it's my future and I need to perfect it. Thanks y'all!
KnightofGondor, WELCOME to EssayForum!!!
Let me try to help out;
- "As a homeschooled individual, I've always had a desire to learn. After all, it's what motivated me through high school, and continues tocontinued at Austin Community College. This sentence should not start with an open quote if there is no closing, otherwise it's a good sentence to start with.
- When I find a topican interesting topic , studying stops being a work, and more aboutof an enjoyment.
- I enjoy learning about the past in history, in fact I'm quite sad that there's no more history classes required offrom me.
- The other job, I want to do theis programming for a game.
- I wish to put love and passion into my work for a people to enjoy and maybe love as much as I do.
- I might not always succeed at what i'mI'm trying to accomplish, but that's okay.
Overall, I can say that the your letter is written well, I believe your off to a good start.
However, mind your linking verbs as this plays an integral part of your letter and I know that it's just typo but make sure that your subject such as, I, I'm, etc., should be written in capital letter, this is also crucial.
Before submitting your letter proof read it too.
Good luck and we would love to hear what comes out of your application.
Keep writing
Cheers!!!
