Hi guys could you please give me suggestions or comments? PLEASE be harsh!
If you would like me to help with yours I would be glad to.
You may have heard the quote "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind." We don't mind. Who are you? Respond in the medium of your choice: prose, one-minute video, blog, digital portfolio, slam poetry... For media other than writing, please share a link (video can be submitted via YouTube but we recommend using a privacy setting) that is easily accessible.
My name is XX and I'm 17 years old. My favorite color is blue and my favorite flower is the rose. So once I decided to dye a white rose blue. There were blue streaks on the petals so I guess it kind of worked and that made me really happy.
My favorite books are pictures books. Some people laugh at me for that but in the spirit of being who I am and saying what I feel, I think there is something very special about picture books. Sometimes things cannot be conveyed through words alone. My favorite would be "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. It's the type that after you finish you can't help but stay still for a minute and indulge in its meaning.
I love being with my friends, either exploring Beijing's subway stops or just having a movie marathon with a diabetes-inducing amount of caramel popcorn. But sometimes, I also like to be alone. Once while running near the back road of my house, I came across a piece of woodland that I think is too small to call a forest. Upon venturing in, I found a little abandoned stone house with a sparkly stream flowing through. This has become a haven for me when I want a little bit of quiet to read or simply to escape reality.
After my best friend attempted suicide and was still in the hospital with no visitors allowed, I spent quite some time there just thinking. I knew our relationship was going to be different and honestly back then, the uncertainty scared me to no end.
So here it is. These are some things that you may want to know about me. As for who am I? I've always been a solid believer of showing instead of telling. I hope this has given you some insight into my personality.
Since you say "showing instead of telling" I feel like you should show more in your essay. Maybe describe the stone house more, how you discovered it, what makes it so important to you. I think you have a good thing going there if you can go really in depth with that stone house, you know what I mean? Try and make it more of a narrative.
Good luck!
I think you have a great description of the things you like. But, my question is, how does this make you, YOU? Who you are is not just defined by what you like. Who you are is defined by your experiences, your love or disgust for things, your fears, your inspirations, your aspirations, your life. Although I really enjoyed reading your supplement, I do not think it has one central cohesive though. I suggest picking a few adjectives that describe you and elaborating through these likes and experiences. I felt like it was all over the place, and that I was reading a more general summary about you rather than attaining a true sense of who you are. The introduction with the flowers is interesting, but doesn't give me a true sense of who you are.
Also, you have to remember that other applicants will have videos, poetry, digital portfolios that will help define them as an individual. Try and make your mark as an individual. Hope this helps!
xx
There is randomness to your story, you are unique. something depicts you from the crowd, dig deeper, tell a compelling story, I know you can, you are risky. take the risk to write the unthinkable, because we all know you can! Who is "XX" and what makes him unique, because unfortunately they can't see you, but only read about you make it worth their while.
Good Luck!
This essay is really random. Sometimes that's a good thing but it's not good for this one. It requires a focus, a point. What is the point of your essay? To show who you are? If that is the case, what does the flower show about you? Expand a bit more on the picture book. What was the story about? What made it memorable and indulging to you? Your stone house helped you escape reality, what things particularly about reality made you want to escape? How did your relationship with your best friend change? Your uncertainty scared you, did you overcome it? How?
This essay gave us only a glimpse of who you are, but it only leaves a lot more questions. Try to think of a central topic and build your examples around that topic. Also, most universities know who you are and how old you are when you apply, so you don't really need to include your name and age, unless you feel that makes you different from others.
