PROMPT: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
When I was 6 years old, my parents forced me to join Taekwondo so I could become more active and lose some weight. I could barely even speak English when I joined, so it was very difficult for my instructors to communicate with me. However, as the years passed by and I matured, I became one of the best students in the studio and was rising quickly through the belt ranks. Before I knew it, I was testing for my second degree black belt. I'd grown from a shy, overweight kid into a confident, courteous, and disciplined teenager. These changes were for the most part a direct result of my dedication to Taekwondo. The tenets of our studio were courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control, indomitable spirit, and victory. These values, without realizing it, were being instilled in my character as I trained 5-6 days a week year-round.
About 5 months before my second degree black belt test, my very strict master called me into his office and told me that I had to lose some weight for my test. I was about 110 lbs at the time and I set my goal for 95 lbs; the difficulty of this goal was compounded with the fact that I was just about to go to India for 3 weeks to visit family. The fact that I was able to abstain from eating the sweets, fried food, and other Indian delicacies there really spoke volumes to how much I wanted to achieve my 2nd degree black belt. When my belt test finally came around, I'd comfortably been 95 lbs for a while and was ready to take the next step in my Taekwondo journey. The two-day test was the most difficult experience I've ever had in my life; the hundreds of kicks, punches, and other techniques soon just got bunched together in my mind into one word: pain. I silently thanked my master during the endurance drills for forcing me to lose weight, because I was moving so much quicker and jumping so much higher now. My hard work and perseverance finally paid off when my master yelled out "Sukhpreet Pabla" at the black belt ceremony months later. The sheer ecstasy I felt as my master untied my first degree black belt and put on my new belt was a result of not only the pain of enduring my black belt test, but also having to lose so much weight and show how dedicated I was to doing whatever was necessary to receive those 2 stripes on my belt.
My master's doubt months prior to my test had motivated me to work that much harder and show him and myself how much I wanted to achieve my goal. Now, even in school and basketball, I get motivated when other people doubt me because I've developed the self-confidence from Taekwondo to know that I can do whatever I set my eyes on. My personality now is based on those six tenets that I developed through my 8.5 year journey, which included tournaments (including the Junior Olympics) and training in the advanced section of the Competition Team, along with my regular training to progress in belt rank. Now, when I look back on my 6 year old self, I realize how grateful I am to my parents and my master for helping me grow up and become a man ready to take on whatever challenges I may face in the future, because I will tackle those with the same resolve as the obstacles I faced before and during my second degree black belt test.
Thank you so much!
1 grammar change: These changes were, for the most part, a direct result of my dedication to Taekwondo.
Why did you have to lose weight? I received my 3rd degree black belt in 5th grade. I was also overweight at that time, however, my master never told me to lose weight. You should explain that in at least 1 sentence. Other than that, I thought your topic was good. You can make some changes to the last paragraph to make it flow better, but your ending was strong and wrapped up your essay nicely.
Sukpreeth, that was certainly a very well rounded discussion of your development as a person. Overall, I find that it is a very strong essay that delivers on all points. You took the reviewer to the beginning of your journey at the age of 6, went on to show the obstacle you had to overcome (weight loss), provided an accomplishment at the end of it, before finally showing us what else we have to look forward to from you. Excellent work! You covered all of the salient prompt points in one essay. Give yourself a pat on the back. Not all of the student applicants can manage to do what you just did. That said, there are some grammar errors that we need to address.
Par. 1:
I could barely even speak English when I joined
However, as the years passed by and I matured
Par. 2:
the difficulty of ACHIEVING this goal was compounded with BY the fact that I was just about to go to India
really spoke volumes to ABOUT how much I wanted to achieve
Par. 3:
Now, even in school and basketball, I get motivated
because OF THE SELF CONFIDENCE I've developed the self-confidence from Taekwondo to I know that
Do you guys think that this essay is "personal" enough and shows rather than tells? I'm considering using this as my Common App essay for Prompt #1 (with revisions, of course) as well; do you guys think that would work? The prompt is: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
Thanks!
Hi @kingkon18, I read through your essay and I find it personal enough to stand and justify what the prompt asked you to write, however, submitting the same essay will not be appreciated by the admissions staff, what you can do though is contemplate on your personal essay, enhance it and review the second prompt then work on your essay base on the prompt.
Now, I'd like to enhance this essay, we'll take it one paragraph at a time.
1st paragraph
- When I was 6 years old, my parents forcedencouraged me to join
- However, as theY ears passed by and I matured,
2nd paragraph
- I set my goal for 95 lbs;, the difficulty of
- India for 3 weeks to visit my family.
- I've ever had in my life;,the hundreds of kicks,
- punches,( when a word is followed by "and", a comma is not necessary ) and other
This are my remarks for the first two paragraphs, I'll get back to you for the last and final one.
@Kingkon18, this is for the final paragraph.
- me to work that much harder and show him
- My personality now is now based on
- those six tenets that I developed through my 8.5eight and a half ( I suggest using words rather than numbers to create a uniform writing format, numbers can be used when analyzing some graphs) year journey,
- because( the word "because" is quiet weak for your essay ) I will
- tackle thosechallenges with the same resolve
- as the obstacles I faced before and during my second degree black belt test.in the years to come.
There you have it, this is the final remarks. I must say, you can take some parts of this Taekwondo experience and incorporate it on your next prompt them add more information of other experiences that you may have that you think will help you application or any aspect in your life that you want to share that will make your application stand out.
I hope my remarks help.
