Short answer: Ping pong is serious business for my friends and me. Nearly every week we get together at my house and duke it out with paddles for hours on end. There's no fun or joking around involved, we're completely, one-hundred percent focused on the game. I had quite the undefeated streak going for nearly two years, but sadly it ended a few months ago and I've not been able to find my groove again. I think part of the problem is that I need to work on my cardio and strengthen my finger muscles.
Personal essay: All throughout lower and middle school, I had never been to a summer camp. I preferred to stay at home, hanging out with friends and playing video games. I always felt glad I wasn't one of my friends who got hauled away by their parents for one or two weeks at a time to go to some camp. Some of them even had to miss the Fourth of July and all the great fireworks that we would blow up.
However, in the summer leading up to my freshman year of high school, I found myself in a pickle: Mimi Zweig, a world famous violin professor, told me that she would be willing to teach me if I attended her summer camp. Not only would she teach me during the camp, but she would be my private teacher during the rest of the year as well.
I wish I could say that this was an easy choice for me, that my desire to learn from such an incredible teacher easily outweighed my inclination to laze around over the summer. However, I found myself having a whole lot of difficulty with the decision. Not only was the camp an entire month long, but I would have to live at Indiana University for that month, hours away from my parents who had taken care of me for so long. I would have to do my own laundry, get up early in the morning without a parent yelling at me, play the violin over eight hours a day, and much more. Even worse, the Fourth of July was right in the middle of the camp, meaning I would miss one of my favorite holidays of the year.
Despite my misgivings and fears about attending a camp, I eventually realized that it would be foolish not to accept Mimi's offer. Although I knew I had made the right decision, I still spent the two weeks of summer break before camp wallowing in self pity about how my entire summer was shot. I was certain that I would have a lousy time, oversleep every day, not have a clue what I was supposed to do, and wish that I was back at home; I felt that I would have no idea how to take care of myself.
The arrival day of camp did nothing to help my outlook. During the opening talk in the dorm's lounge, I found myself surrounded by nearly a hundred kids who I did not know, listening to the head counselor talk about how challenging the camp was going to be and all the responsibilities we would have to take on. I went to bed feeling more lost than ever.
However, the first day didn't begin too horribly. To my utter amazement, I managed to wake up on time, and though I had no clue what building breakfast was in, I found someone else who had a map, and we managed to find our way. During breakfast I started meeting some of the other kids there, and after a few hours, I had to be careful that I didn't start having a little bit of fun.
Over the course of the first week, each of my prior worries about camp was allayed. I found that I was capable of getting up on time everyday by myself, and that the first day had not been a fluke. Doing laundry was not hard at all, despite what my mom would have me believe. Within days, I learned my way about campus, and had no trouble finding where I had to go. All the playing I had to do every day was not boring as I had feared, but exciting as I could easily hear how much and how quickly I was improving. I was incredibly nervous at my first lesson with Mimi, but I found that she was one of the nicest people I had met in my life. I found myself enjoying all the independence that I had previously feared. When it finally came time for me to pack up and return home in mid-July, I could not believe how fast the month had flown by.
That year I was not able to light Fourth of July fireworks as I always had. But when the day came, we all went to the football stadium to see the fireworks display. As I sat there watching the show, I realized that I had found my own independence that year.
Any advice you can give on either essay would be really helpful. No need to be nice or sugar coat anything, I need as straightforward feedback as I can get.
Good afternoon :)
Some suggestions. First, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Second, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but." Third, since you didn't post the prompt I don't know what you are supposed to be answering, so I'm not sure if your response is a good answer or not. On its own it has a good introduction and conclusion, and the body gives good detail while staying organized. It's a good piece that illustrates a time in your life to your audience.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Sorry about forgetting the prompts :p
The Short Answer question is: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer).
The Personal Essay question is: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you (250 words minimum).
Thank you. That helps very much :)
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
So when considering the prompts, do the two essays respond well to the questions?
I think that the short answer is just fine. In regards to the second one, I think it's a good response, but you could elaborate a little more on the independence you found during this camp. Your final sentence is really good, but I find myself wanting a little more explanation before it.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thanks for all your help!
Sorry, one last question :p
Is it clear enough that my short answer is tongue in cheek, or will some admissions offices read it like it's serious?
You're very welcome.
I think your tone comes across just fine; I wouldn't worry too much about misunderstandings. Best of luck!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
