I think my conclusion is pretty weak but I don't have enough words to make it longer, is there anything I could eliminate that seems redundant or unnecessary? Also, it feels like a report--I couldn't find a way to make this prompt intriguing. Any advice on making it more interesting and less resume-ish?
Prompt: At Pitzer College, five core values distinguish our approach to education: social responsibility, intercultural understanding, interdisciplinary learning, student engagement, and environmental sustainability. As agents of change, our students utilize these values to create solutions to our world's challenges. (650 words)
implementing Pitzer's core values
Reflecting on your involvement throughout high school or within the community, how have you engaged with one or more of Pitzer's core values?
*note: their website has more information detailing the core values, and they are more inclusive than exclusive. ie, intercultural understanding does not necessarily refer to cultures relating to ethnicity or background, but general diversity in terms of academic interests, perspectives, etc.
As a student aspiring to contribute to relief for global welfare issues through whichever direction my passion leads me, Pitzer's core values tell me that we're simply a match made in heaven. Accordingly, three of Pitzer's core values align with what I've made of my high school experience: social responsibility, intercultural understanding, and interdisciplinary learning. I owe this primarily to the International Baccalaureate (IB) program curriculum and Peer Mediation, a club at my previous school of which I was a committee leader. Both of these enhancing opportunities have served as foundations upon which I've been able to impact my school's community and diversify my academic experience by investigating perspectives and trying new disciplines.
Part of my commitment to my community through Peer Mediation was to formally mediate and de-escalate individual disputes among students, and be a generally positive force among the student body. Over my three years serving in this club, I've carried out several of these confidential mediations, ranging from serious and threatening issues to trivial, "he-said-she-said" drama. What I loved about mediations is that I was able to help combat the immediate conflicts plaguing the solidarity of my school by working from the root causes, breaking them down, and tackling them step-by-step. Walking down the hallway and running into someone I'd done a mediation for always brought a smile to my face and theirs, reminding me that what I'm doing for my community has an actual impact--it's not just a resume booster. Because of Peer Mediation, I've developed a community-minded mentality in my interactions with others; from my closest loved ones to complete strangers, I'm learning to step outside of myself and be of service to others.
The IB Theory of Knowledge (TOK) course promotes intercultural understanding in the way that I think about current events, specifically in how there is no black and white in TOK. In our Ethics unit, my class had a discussion on the ethics of space exploration and colonization of Mars, which showed me that, looking at the issue from every perspective, there is never a right or wrong answer in issues like this. TOK is all about examining the extent to which a question can be answered, which has helped me understand that almost nothing is definite; instead, everything is circumstantial, so we should consider all perspectives before making judgements. Likewise, my previous school's phenomenal IB French department breeds students that are not only proficient in the language, but also in the arts, customs, leisures, foods, and, most excitingly, perspectives of regions within the ethnically diverse francophone world. My source-based written project for the IB French exam, for example, allowed me to explore the issue of islamophobia from both the French perspective and the Arab perspective. Even more directly, exchanging worldviews, interests, and habits with my French pen pal is the closest I've come to physically experiencing France.
Transferring schools prompted me to take up a new IB Higher Level (HL) course in order to continue my IB diploma candidacy: HL Film. Coming into the class, I admit I felt intimidated as the only student with zero background in the subject. However, I love English, and figured that film is nothing more than a visualization of literature in a cinematic context. Connecting the two disciplines gave me a much better understanding of many fundamental ideas in film. For instance, framing and lighting techniques in film are similar to literature devices in that they both can convey a greater message than what's perceived directly through dialogue. To an extent, I attribute this interdisciplinary mode of thinking to TOK, which developed within me an inclination towards considering key issues in one subject in relation to other subjects.
In four years, I hope that I will look back on where I am now, and how I've expanded on implementing Pitzer's core values throughout my college years. Logically, my next question: Pitzer, what's next?
WC: 648Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Breonna, you can free up word count to further develop your concluding statement if you totally eliminate the current first paragraph that you have. There is no need to review the points that the prompt made in the opening paragraph, this is not a TOEFL or IELTS written test, this is a college application essay. By immediately discussing the relevant core values starting with the proper first paragraph, you will have more words with which to strengthen or properly develop the paragraphs that you perceive as being weak in your essay.
Your current 4th paragraph does not seem to actually reflect a particular core value in the essay. It seems to have just been thrown into the essay without proper consideration for the relevance and importance of the statement in the essay. If you remove that paragraph, your essay will better represent the values of Pitzer and also, offer you the most accurate opportunity to fully develop all aspects of your core values discussion.
