Any comments and criticism will be greatly appreciated!
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
My mother can wield her chopsticks like a fierce samurai; give her a piece of dough and she can make the most delightful dim-sums. Mother is a tofu guru, a rice-steaming specialist, and a teahouse legend, but the basic concept of blending cheese, never a part of her Asian culture, hopelessly eludes her. As a result, interesting things happen when mother attempts American cuisine. Such is the case when I beg her to make my favorite food-pizza.
If mother was a TV character, she would be the mad scientist whose eccentric inventions are notoriously feared by everyone. Likewise, our kitchen would be her laboratory and food her testing subjects. On her first pizza trial, with no cheese or an oven, my family ended up eating a piece of microwaved crust and greasy pepperoni. Needless to say, I gave her an F on the first lab report.
But never the one to give up, mother went back to her laboratory for further experimentation. Once, she decided that the appearance of her pizza was too dull; thus, she had the ingenious idea of adding dried mandarin peels to her latest production. Although I am all for fusion cuisine, her creativity eventually evolved into a caloric masterpiece of hotdogs, bananas, eggplants and meatballs all squished together on a piece of dough with poorly blended cheese. On every trial, I was forced to swallow at least one bite.
Never caring for conformist principles, mother does not mind if her pizza would win the connoisseur's approval, as long as the finished product entertained her own liking. Having eaten my mother's cooking all my life, I have slowly begun to digest some of her lessons as well. Her unconventional style of approaching things in life always inspires me to be innovative. When I am being socially pressured to take the mainstream route, my mother is the courage that pushes me to embark on my own journey of discovery.
To this day, I seek out my mother's challenge to do things differently for the thrills of an unfamiliar adventure. Last year, my school encouraged students to apply for a particular summer camp; but instead of peaceful lakes and bonfires, this camp's brochure showed pictures of veterans dressed in uniforms, grim faced, and yelling at a troop of young men standing at attention. In bolded letters, the description read: "Run like a Military Camp!" The participants in the pictures, all dressed in uniforms and sporting buzz cuts that accentuated their masculinity, boasted toughness. No, not an ordinary camp I thought-probably no marshmallows or bonfires. This was the American Legion Boys State program on civics, also known as "death camp" by friends who have attended previously. Was it really a place for an earth loving tree hugger like me?
Nevertheless, I thought, coming to this camp was just like taking a bite out of my mother's pizza creation, a venture that may not turn out well, but bound to be exciting. Boys State turned out to be exactly what the pictures portrayed: a crucible of discipline, endurance, and teamwork. At 4:45a.m, our veteran counselors pull us out of bed to start the day, literally dragging me out of my comfort zone. Yelling and intimidation were part of the camp routine, meant to toughen us ups. A careless mistake could mean pushups and humiliation in front of your comrades. At the end of the first day, our counselor gives us a chance to go home if we weren't up for the challenge. But having already taken a mouthful of this new adventure, I realize that I must swallow my first bite.
My mother's approach to life has given me a sense of optimism for trying new things. Just like her pizza invention, I realized that life is also my own creation, requiring countless trials and errors to find the perfect recipe. So for the rest of the week, I kept a positive attitude and gave my best to all the activities, from running elections to attending political lectures. Learning to embrace the hectic schedule of physical and mental toil, I was gratified that my peers elected this awkward boy who could not even march properly on the first day as their Governor. Standing on the stage to be sworn in, I savored the taste of my last mouthful.
- I am going for a light and humorous essay. Please tell me whether you think this goal is achieved.
- Does the analogy sound too contrived?
- Is the piece coherent and does it make a good point?
- Does the structure flow well?Thanks for all your help. Please be open and honest.
first of all, i want to say that i think your topic is great! and the you have a very nice hook. I am not a very good writer so i can't help you much with syntax and such but what i can say is try to stay in one tense.
At 4:45a.m, our veteran counselors pullPulled us out of bed to start the day, literally dragging me out of my comfort zone. Yelling and intimidation were part of the camp routine, meant to toughen us ups.this sentence is awkward, either reword it or i would delete meant to toughen us up. A careless mistake could mean pushups and humiliation in front of your comrades. At the end of the first day, our counselor givesgave us a chance to go home if we weren't up for the challenge. But having already taken a mouthful of this new adventure, I realizerealized that I must swallow my first bite.
to your questions, yes i think that your essay is light and humorous. and no, the analogy is great! and it is coherent and YES it makes a good point. hope that helped =)
Yes! The writing is great...
I'll look for problems...
"hopelessly eludes her..." What does hopelessly modify here? Elude? It is not hopeless as it eludes her, so... I think it is the wrong modifier. What else can you use instead of hopelessly?
But Never the one to give up, mother went back to her laboratory for further experimentation.
Never caring for conformist principles, mother does not mind if her pizza would not win the connoisseur's approval, as long as the finished product entertained her own liking.
Having eaten my mother's cooking all my life, I have slowly begun to digest some of her lessons as well. ---good sentence!
Her unconventional style of approaching things in life always inspires me to be innovative. ---This is what I think you should discuss more. What ca you tell the reader about how your mother has influenced your ideas about a career? Or your personal philosophy?
None of the essay really seems contrived... "contrived" is what something becomes when it has no inspiration. Your essay is inspired, but I think it is too informative and insufficiently reflective/predictive. I think the person of influence should be written about only as a way of expounding YOUR vision, your aspiration. So... instead of giving so much information, give half as much information and twice as much "drawing of conclusions." Twice as much content about the YOU that has been influenced... you are setting about taking your college education, so it is important to show your intentions.
:-)
