I love Brown. Plain and simple. Stepping into Wriston quad, I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, would I always remember. It fascinated me; its architecture, surroundings, and even the strutting pigeons practically screamed "Dream University!!!." It was love at first sight; no other schools (and I have visited quite a few) has ever come close in creating the same, almost magical, effect.
Yet Brown is so much more than just its cover. It is a place where the ambitious learners can spread their wings, without fear of workloads. It is a place where dreamers can exist and look for their faeries without fear of reality. It is a place where world class education happens not at the cost of happiness, but rather, as the result of it. This place is Brown, and this is where I want to be.
This is a good, short essay, and it says a lot about Brown! I can tell that you will be proud to attend the university. I made a few corrections for you.
Mark :)
I love BrownUniversity .
It fascinated me; it' s architecture, surroundings ...
... no other schools (and I have visited quite a few) has have ever come ...
It is a place where world class education happens occurs not at the cost of happiness ...
To Mark:
I wanted to make my essay more personal. So I changed the second paragraph. Thanks for your helpful comments!
Hi again!
I think that your essay looks good, but there are two things that I didn't appreciate the first time I reviewed it; one concerns the first para and one concerns the second para:
Stepping into Wriston quad, I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, would I always remember.Here, I wonder if we can change "would I always remember" to something different.
--> There is nothing wrong with the sentence; but it just does not "sit" right with me. How else can you describe your appreciation for how you will always remember walking into the quad?
Yet Brown is so much more than just its cover. And, here, while, again, there is nothing wrong with the sentence, it might be said a little differently.
--> what do you think?
Again, your essay is fine the way it stands; I am just offering a little bit of an improvement, something that did not catch my eye the first time. Let me know what you think.
Mark
First thing, thanks for taking your time to help me :)
Hmm... I agree with what you said concerning the first paragraph. How should I describe it though...
I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, would I always remember.
I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, it was awesome. (Something like that? :))
Would I always remember does seem very awkward but something that follows wow, should have a bit of... drama? Cause its supposed to be like first impression. I'll think about it more.
I needed the "Brown is so much more..." line to begin my metaphor on a magical blank book to describe the Open Curriculum system of Brown.
It seems pretty okay to me, how do you suggest I should phrase it?
*As a side note: If the essay is just "okay" I probably should scrap it. I don't think Brown accepts "okay" essays.*
No no -- your essay is far from just "OK!" And if you got that impression from what I said, then I apologize. You did a good job.
Using the word awesome sounds good to me. I would probably leave the second sentence alone, however. After thinking about it again, it probably is best.
So -- the only part I would change is this part: I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, it was awesome! Other than that, leave it alone. It looks and reads great!
Mark
Lot's of discussion I see. I wanted give you a suggestion. Google this keyword
...." Univ of chicago rohan's essay" Read it up and gain great inspiration. I would have posted it up on the essay forum but we are not allowed to copy from other sites. Read that and seriously it will help.
Thanks for the comments~! They were incredibly helpful in making me realize my flaws. I made dramatic changes and focused on personal experience in this rewrite.
I left for Summer@Brown expecting another line on my college application, but instead, I received what could only be described as the most mind-blowing experience of my life. Stepping into Wriston quad, I saw Brown for the first time, and it was simply... incredible. Everything from its architecture, to its surrounding, to the fat strutting pigeons on the lawn drew me in inexorably like moth to flames. It was love at first sight.
And yet, it was what Brown had beneath that really hooked me. There was never a dull moment. From the 100 page reading assignment before I even met my professor, to the tearful farewells before my departure, every day was a marathon to see how much I could accomplish. And it wasn't just me; every Brown student I met lived like it was their last, thriving with passion in absolute freedom. Sure, Brown isn't for everyone since it's basically like Lego, some build cottages, some build nothing; but I know, if I were there, I would be building castles.
