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'Place of Worship' - Common App Main


RiceAllTheWhey 3 / 16  
Dec 27, 2011   #1
This is my main essay, it's 575 words, but I'm finding a hard time cutting some words out. Hope you enjoy.

The prompt is topic of choice.

I stood before the towering structure of my cathedral with its massive glass windows. Inside, the sunlight would shine on the wooden benches and reflect off the golden chandelier. The high arching ceiling and the mellow beige walls embrace this place of worship, this place of sacrifice. In here, blood is spilled and tears are shed. Hopes are destroyed and created; aspirations are built. Only the strong will survive and the weak are left outside the door.

I walked in.

The guardian angel asked for my pass and the familiar faces welcomed me in. I felt at home. Everyone inside here has the same goals, follows the same higher power. We are here to strengthen our bodies, improve our minds and purify our souls.

This is my sanctuary; this is (Gym name) on ________ Street.

The spirit of progress, of dedication is so strong here that it is palpable. Even though we all have the same routines every time, even though we come here at the same hour every day, we progress. We are proud to say "we are stronger than yesterday, and we will be stronger tomorrow than today".

As I marched towards the power rack, passing the enormous, panoramic mirrors, I found an unfamiliar figure staring back at me; I was surprised at how much I've changed. I still remember 3 years ago, when I first started.

On the first Monday back to school, I took the initiative and signed myself up for a 3 month trial period at (Gym name). After a summer of mostly TV and junk food, I was 10 pounds overweight with a whooping body fat percentage of 18. As I walk from the lockers to the workout stations, massive 200 pounders, whom I called "Billy" because it sounds like "bully", surrounded me, and I would avert my eyes when one of them looks back at me. I felt intimated and small in the presence of Gods.

The first exercise I performed was the squat, considered the king of all exercises. I attempted 95 pounds, the usual starting weight for a beginner, or so I was told. I put the bar on my back, and slowly pushed the bar off the rack; my back was already slightly bent underneath the weight. I tried to slowly bend my knees and squat down, buy my knees buckled inwards and I fell forward; fortunately, the bar was caught by the safety rack, and did not crash on my faced-down body.

I persevered, however; each workout I added 5 pounds, each workout I grew stronger and healthier, each workout I grew more confident. After 3 years of hard grind, I had become the Khnum of my body, carving it to the ideal, carving it to the figure that I see in the mirror today.

Focusing back to the lift, I warmed up with 135, and then quickly moved up to 225, 275,315, finishing up at 365. Each set takes 25 seconds and with a 90 seconds rest, I would finish my leg day at 3:40. Walking out the locker room with my muscles tight and tired, I saw a "Billy". I looked directly into his eyes and we both nodded, fully aware about how we had progressed, how we have dedicated most of our afternoons to improving our health, and how much we had sacrificed and persevered.

Walking out the gym, I felt good. And that's not the endorphin talking.
Citygirl1120 4 / 8  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
This is a great idea, I love how you described your dedication to working out and staying healthy as a religion; i think it's very apt. As for the length, my common app was about that long too, but it fit on one page. As long as it does that, you shouldn't have a problem.
OP RiceAllTheWhey 3 / 16  
Dec 27, 2011   #3
You could delete these things, to cut down: foremost.

Er, I don't think you understood what I was trying to do. I implied that since I walked in, I'm not weak.

My essay is full of these small points, that's what 4 years of IB English teaches you lol. I hope that the admissions officer will appreciate my language.

Can someone evaluate my essay carefully?
ZhoeK 5 / 173  
Dec 27, 2011   #4
Joe

But by saying "Only the strong will survive" & you walking in, doesn't that subtlety say that you are not weak.
I understand that you have those little indents, but I was just cutting down what I thought you could do without.
Okay though.


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