I was required to write a personal essay in college prep class. so I choose topic of my choice from the common app. essay questions.
I Would appreciate any comments that would improve my essay.
Please tell me if the whole thing is comprehendible or not too. :)
719 words
Plain and Brown
Imagine living in a box. You have no light, no one to talk to. What would you do? Imagine if it were real. Your one and only home and survival is that box. Imagine the fear of the darkness, the terror of being trapped in nowhere. What would you do? What would I do? What I fear the most is being trapped; being surrounded by nothing but barriers, keeping me from escaping. I used to live in that box. Eventually I found a way to escape. Then how did I survive living there, in just a plain brown box? How did I manage to break out and think outside the box?
The building of my life all started when I first opened my eyes to the illuminating white lights of the hospital. The laying of the sturdy foundation was about to start. The building's foundation was a very strong and rough one. It could stand anything from rain to crashes, although it did have its rough moments.
When I started to build the body of my building, I faced various problems. Sometimes I got stuck and I was surrounded by walls that would take up every breath I had. Sometimes I would finish a whole floor and then, discover a small gap and have to start all over again. Other times, I gave up and lost meaning of everything. At times, I found myself trapped in that box, nothing surrounding me other than those plain dark walls. Times would come when I would surrender to the box. Accept the idea that I would live in that box forever, never to see what the world outside had to give.
I waited for the glimmer that would set me free from my captivity. I waited for what seemed like centuries. For that one day, the day I would break out. That day finally came. The day I opened my eyes to see what was in front of me. What I saw was unbearable. It was too hard to put into words. I saw the years of my life wasted and withered. I saw what was in front of me. I saw that box, but it was not that same box I used to see. It was a thin, brittle, and breakable piece of cardboard. I then realized that the time had come to destroy that thin wall. It was now time I changed peoples' and my own perspective about that box. Because, if it weren't for that box I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have realized that what was in front of me was the key to the door of change.
I made it! I made it to the other side. I breathed the fresh air out of that box. I looked back to that box and what I saw made me even more infuriated. I felt sad for the people that have to live in that confined box; the box that prevented me and also prevented them from pursuing their dreams. From that day on, I decided to dedicate my life to making a difference. To make the top of my building glimmer in the dark. To excel and out shine the other buildings. I know that my life is now different. I know I am different.
There I was standing on the top. Looking back at my achievements and accomplishments, looking at how much I have grown. Observing my dedication to changing the lives of the present and future generations. Looking back at that beautiful building that is mine. That building which represents my life, and that box which represented my existence. The box that has made me change, that has made me look at the gifts that I have. That there was more than just that box. The box is my country and the reason I have changed. I realized that that box will never break open and it will never change, unless I change it. The barriers that I thought, my country placed for me, were only barriers that I placed for myself. I do not think that I would have hopes, dreams, and ambitions if it weren't for my country. My country is the reason I am alive and moving. The world is the reason I exist.
I really like the concept of your essay. Your introduction is very captivating, however, I think that you are asking too many questions. Like the last two sentences should not be questions. The questions that you asked in the beginning are good because it makes the reader think.
Your one and only home and hope for survival is that box.
Lets put these setences together as one so that the second one is a complete sentence:
That day finally came -- the day I opened my eyes to see what was in front of me.
There, I used a dash to combine them.
This is confusing! I thought you were going to explain what you meant, but you never did! How about using part of that second paragraph to explain what the box represents and what happened that helped you to liberate your mind. The metaphor is great, but it needs to be condensed to make room for some explanation. At some point near the beginning, and then again at the end, refer to the clear vision you have for your future -- including this school to which you are applying -- and explain in plain words what you mean.
How did your country help?
What is the significance of the hospital?
What inspired you to break free?
Rowa I love your essay; I think you have a remarkable conclusion.
The last paragraph has a lot of solid statements that give me an actual glimpse into the kind of person you are. The preceeding paragraphs do not achieve this so well, but they show beautiful writing nontheless. I suggest you stick to the metaphor of the box and expatiate more on it so that readers like me are not left wondering where your essay is going after reading so much about a box.
Thanks for editing my essay :)
