Sorry about the delayed response; I've been swamped with course work over the past few days and I've barely had time to get on the computer.
This is succintly written. I'm jealous :P wish mine would flow as nicely. oNe suggestion: Reduce the length a little bit, a para or two. YOu don't need to include every experience even though it is an autobiographical essay. That way you can accomodate more about your major.
btw what school is this for?
Thanks for the compliment, Chris. I had given much thought to cutting down on the size of the essay but I keep finding myself uneasy at the prospect of leaving something pertinent out, or disrupting the flow. Then again, that could be my indecision talking.
I don't really have a specific college in mind, or a specific preference per se; I'm basically just applying to a bunch of colleges in order to keep my options open.
Following the demise of our Web-based electronics liquidation business, Steve and I each went our separate ways -- both of us apprehensive about what the future may hold.--- I replaced the semi-colon with a dash. Dashes work like commas, and semi-colons work like periods. In this case, the dash is best.
use a hyphen:
Thank you very much for pointing that out! I'll be sure to correct it.
note: should one ever find oneself in Beirut, it is NOT a good idea to get inebriated and go to the nearest Sunni Arab neighborhood publicly disparaging Saddam in Arabic---- wow, that is wicked funny...
funny, but I guess not the best thing to do, strategically. Someone who writes so well is often compelled to "keep it real," and really write from the heart, but it is good to be strategic, too. I get half way through this and find myself familiar with and interested in your process of resisting conformity, making tough decisions, and so forth, but I'm still wondering your reason for transfer, which is supposed to be the subject of the essay.
Yea I had thought about whether or not that comment may rub some adcoms the wrong way (even though I was being diplomatic, to put it mildly, in describing the specific incident in question haha).
Do you suppose that that portion may give the readers the impression of immaturity on my part (immature in that I included and/or immature in that I actually did such a thing)?
Still, though, I think the "reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve" should include more nuts and bolts, more specifics about the plan fr the next, say, five years. Can you make room for more discussion of your well-envisioned plan?
Many colleges do offer a section in their common application supplements for the applicant to answer the "why" question with regards to major, school, department; so I do plan on addressing those points for such colleges. However, for colleges that do not have a section like that in their supplements, I'm thinking of either replacing some paragraphs of the main essay in order to make room for explaining my reasons for wanting to transfer, or adding a couple paragraphs to the essay. I am afraid that some admission committees may find a two and a half page paper too long though?
I think this is very well written! It seems very natural and honest in the best way. You've done a lot of great things since high school and I think that this captures the essence of those. Good luck!!!
Thanks, Sarah. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed and hoping everything works out. I'm really happy I stumbled across this forum. The feedback offered here is truly invaluable.