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"I plan to excel in the field of nursing" - My response to the UCLA prompt 1


shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 30, 2009   #1
UCLA prompt- Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

This is a rough draft! PLEASE HELP!

Where I come from has shaped who I am and why I am an ambitious, caring, and joyful person. I was raised in a single family home; my dad was present in my life just not in my house. Because of that, it was imperative for my mother to be strong and independent. She was and is a hard worker, always wanting the best for me. She echoed every day the same statement of all parents, "Go to school to get your education so you can go to college". My mother always stressed how important it was to have some type of higher education seeing as she herself didn't have a degree. I can recall numerous occasions of our struggle to find our next meal, or shivering in our home because of a lack of heat. Even in those miserable times, she never gave up or showed any form of weakness. Enduring those rough times definitely motivates me to want more for myself.

As for her career, my mom has been working at Kaiser Hospital for over 18 years. Starting off as a receptionist in the emergency room, she climbed the corporate ladder and is currently a systems administrator. I can recall spending many days at the hospital with her, I grew fond of being around the doctors. Watching the orthopedic technicians administer casts, conversing with nurses, viewing x-rays (as if I understood them), and witnessing the satisfied patients. From those experiences I definitely knew my career would involve medicine. I was recently employed as an In-Home Health Care Worker; assisting a woman with everyday tasks. My greatest joy is helping someone in need, even with simple things such as helping them get dressed or administering medicine. I also work with a ministry, assisting by sending food to and feeding the homeless. We also visit shelters and host events that give profits to and Working with this woman, I truly learned the smallest actions can have such a large impact and that patience is key. If I didn't know before, I definitely knew after that experience nursing was the perfect field for me.

The elementary and middle school I attended also played a large roll role in my life. I attended a small charter school, View Park Preparatory, with the most qualified teachers; and I received one on one help that all children need. The parents were required to volunteer and be very active in their child's school work. Thanks to the school, math became one of my strongest subjects and I really enjoyed reading at a very young age. At View Park we were taught at an advanced level, completing work that most kids our age hadn't. There was a generous amount of homework which at the time was frustrating, but now I appreciate it. I currently have no trouble handing a heavy workload or staying up for hours to complete an assignment. So when I ventured off to high school; I already had a strong foundation which allowed me to take advanced courses with now trouble.

Obstacles I encountered assisted in my dream of working in the medical field. My mother instilled in me determination, diligence, and patience. My school taught me good work ethic and persistence. I plan to excel in nursing and even continue to become a doctor.

WRITE AND ENDING THAT SUMMARIZES
bmachado 5 / 23  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
there are a few typos/misspellings

overally- overall
tragi- tragic
stil- still
no- not
throught- through
families- family's
excell- excel

I also don't think that saying you come from a great area and a good family as your main argument for the person you are. It is alright to include those things, maybe in a "I recognize that I am very fortunate..." section. You might want to elaborate on your mom's struggle to rise up through the ranks and then maybe say that her example has given you a strong work ethic or something.

just a few tips and things, I hope they help a bit.
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 31, 2009   #3
UCLA PROMPT 1
OKAY I MADE A FEW CHANGES I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO ELABORATE MORE ABOUT MY SCHOOL.[/b]

HELP WITH THE ENDING!
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Oct 31, 2009   #4
this is the uc app prompt 1, so as another person posted about mine, maybe focus on either how your experiences brought you to your dream-medical field, or focus more on your dream and how things affected/influenced your decision to pursue them.

your essay seemed rather short. lots of things you can still add about yourself
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 31, 2009   #5
Thank you, I just dont know what else to say about my school and any other things to add.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Oct 31, 2009   #6
your life couldnt have been that boring. Find things that show who you are, examples and events, you talk about your mother's influence, and as bmachado posted, show an example maybe..

add any experience with the medical field, unless you want to add that to your second essay. how about your interactions with people in your school, community and show why you want to help <my own term > other people by pursuing a medical field degree.
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 31, 2009   #7
ok thank you i will try to be more descriptive.
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Nov 1, 2009   #8
Thank you so much that really helped me, I think I should be able to finish my essay now.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 2, 2009   #9
I think it's great that you got rid of the word basically. Never use that word, not in speech, writing, telepathy, or any other form of communication.

:-)

Same with "hobby." Bad word. But it's bad for a different reason. "Basically" is bad, because, basically, it shows that you can't figure out how to capture your own full meaning. It's like a disclaimer that says, "I don't know how to explain this effectively." The word hobby is bad, because it sounds like something unimportant... like a pastime. If something is worth doing, it is worth being passionate about, because every day is sacred.

Sorry for the rant!!! I also want to say that I am impressed with all the work you did and all the great feedback here.
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Nov 5, 2009   #10
Thank you for that.
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Sep 2, 2010   #11
It is now actually time for me to submit my prompt, I made MANY revisions. Let me know what you think.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 4, 2010   #12
'Where I come from has shaped who I am and why I am an ambitious, caring, and joyful person.'
This first sentence seems like it could be a little more efficient...
The world I come from shaped me into an ambitious, caring, and joyful person. --- This is my suggestion, but it is not necessarily better... just an idea.

I was raised in a single family home; my dad was present in my life just not in my house. ---- do you mean single-parent home?

This should be past tense:
Enduring those rough times definitely motivated me to want more for myself.

As for her career, my mom has been working at Kaiser Hospital for over 18 years. ---this is not a good topic sentence to start a paragraph i an essay as short as this one. Google this:

how to write good topic sentences

No need for a semi-colon here...
So when I ventured off to high school, I already had a strong foundation which allowed me to take advanced courses with now trouble.--- I changed it to a comma.

You have an opportunity here to show them how motivated and driven you are. Spend some time at the end of the essay discussing your intentions, your vision for the future. I think you did a great job, though!
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Sep 6, 2010   #13
Thank you, my greatest issue is how to begin the prompt.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 8, 2010   #14
Well, this is an opportunity to show how driven you are and show your intentions.

It is nice to see the story of how Sojourner Truth grew up, for example. I would be interested in knowing about the world that shaped her into an incredible person. So, tell your story in a way that shows how you came to be passionate about the things you are passionate about. Know what I mean? Every essay has to have a theme, so in this case the theme is the world you come from.

It would be just as interesting to show what you are passionate about by telling what you do on a typical day or what books you are likely to buy or what you Google about on the Internet... but save those for a different essay. Get in touch with that world that shaped you.


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