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"Planet Earth" - National Merit Essay, Common App

lklklk124 4 / 7 1  
Oct 6, 2012   #1
Hey guys!
Thanks for visiting my thread and deciding to help me out. All help is greatly appreciated. Also, I've noticed that the National Merit essay prompt is VERY similar to college essays. It would be nice if I could adapt this to a college prompt as well. Interesting challenge, I would say. Any questions, responses, comments? :D:D:D:D:D:D

Describe an experience you have had, a person who has influenced you, or an obstacle you have overcome. Explain why this is meaningful to you. Use your own words and limit your response to the space provided.

The catalyst for the most crucial decision in my personal life came in the form of small flat discs in a case that bore the name "Planet Earth" in sleek, silver lettering. It was reward from my dad for my excellent 124% A that I received in 7th grade life science and I immediately popped open the case and shoved the shiny disc into the DVD player. The television came alive with the sounds of the untamed jungle and raging oceans, the screeching monkeys and the fluttering bats, and the narration of Mr. David Attenborough. I realized after the fascinating series came to an end that I was then hopelessly infatuated with the biological sciences. Before, my interest in nature and the life sciences were superficial excitement, probably magnified because of my disproportionately admirable science grades. However, Mr. Attenborough's passionate yet objective and knowledgeable commentary on topics that covered almost every aspect of nature and the fact that he has set foot in almost every corner of the globe made both my scientific knowledge and my grades seem like trivial achievements. It was a mixture of jealousy and reverence that drove me to begin taking science more seriously. After "Planet Earth", I hunted for more natural documentaries and movies like Attenborough's "Life on Earth" series as well as numerous Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, and National Geographic works. This intense curiosity and admiration carried over into my career as a high school student and I eagerly signed up for science classes that would help achieve my goal. All of my motivation, my passion, and my curiosity stems from the influential naturalist David Attenborough and his conscientious and inspirational desire to retell the story of a beautiful and diverse yet fragile world that must be treasured and protected and I can only hope that by devoting my life to the research of the biological sciences, I can become a figure just as influential and valuable as Mr. David Attenborough is.

janiceli 2 / 6 1  
Oct 27, 2012   #2
This essay is really cutely sentimental. I like the way I can feel that you're passionate about science, but I think you need to expand on the parts about what you actually know like about science. You did it for a brief sentence or two, but you can totally push it more--I think that that way the AO's will understand you better as a person and understand your passions more than they can as the essay is.

It looks like you could fit another 100 words into the essay, giving you lots of wiggle room to add without having to lose anything. Your essay is nicely quirky. You could however, take out the part about your excitement being over your crazy science grade!

Would you please take the time to read my essay? "Common App Essay-My Voice"
Thanks a bunch! Best of Luck!

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