Hi, I'm looking for any feed back on both my essays. I am a hopeful UC Transfer.
Prompt #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
My interest in the field of Physics began on a starry night in August 2009. I was almost sixteen when my best friend and I snuck out of her house in the middle of the night so I could experience my first shooting star, and my first meteor shower.
That night inspired me to take my first physics class during my senior year in high school. I was overwhelmed with the complexity of the subject and pulled a -B. I felt as if I was not suited for the subject. I felt as though my dream of going on to grad school and becoming a researcher at a university or at NASA was absurd. Still, the universe had opened its doors to my very own eyes that night. I decided I was not going to let my high school physics experience discourage me. From that moment on I was irreversibly fascinated with the study of the night sky, and thus the universe.
On long weekends I would beg my mother to take me to the small planetarium at the University of Nevada to see the most recent presentation. Here I was introduced to the properties of dark matter. Much of the study of dark matter requires ruling out what it cannot be. It cannot be something luminous, in other words we cannot see it. I immediately realized that believing my goals, which is to one day become a researcher, to be intangible, parallels the elusive nature of dark matter. Just because physicists cannot see dark matter does not mean that it does not play a large role in the universe. Much like how the physicist who discovered dark matter could not perceive his discovery, I could not see my future in physics after my senior year in high school, yet Fritz Zwicky still continued to pursue his endeavor, and so will I.
Although I have only just begun my journey toward my goal, I feel as though I have bounded far from that night in August. Today, now that I live in San Francisco, I often go to the Academy of Sciences and San Francisco State's planetarium to watch the current show and absorb the cosmos wonders. Sometimes, I go up to the roof of my building and simply look up. However, now when I gaze at the stars I do not think about shooting stars, I think about the planetarium shows I have seen, and the infinite number of discoveries waiting to be uncovered.
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
The lights flash and silence falls over the packed Frank Sinatra show room of the Cal Neva hotel and casino. I can almost hear the hearts of the other dancers pounding in their chests next to me. This was the setting just before I walked onto the stage for what I thought would be my last ballet performance. The experience of dancing for a youth company in the small town of Tahoe has helped shape the person I am today.
Valuable traits I forged from my experience as a paid member of a ballet company are hard work and tolerance for my own mistakes. Beginning a week prior to my fourteenth birthday, I was accepted into Tahoe Youth Ballet, a ballet company comprised of the Tahoe's up and coming dancers. I spent at least four hours a day going to ballet class, and rehearsing for various performances. However, the fourteen-year-old me did not think about the implications of such a commitment. As the years continued I became obsessed to point where I developed an eating disorder. I studied and criticized every last inch of my body, the words fat, ugly, worthless echoed in my head. Stepping on the scale determined my mood for the day. I would even break down and cry in my car after class, because I made a mistake in the tendĂş combination. However, I quickly realized that this is not the way I should be living my life. I had to convince myself that success does not solely depend on talent. Hard work is the core of any success story, more specifically, my success story.
Yet hard work always comes with a milieu of challenges and setbacks. There were still occasions when I pushed my self too far, hurting my schoolwork and myself. The rehearsal the night before my final performance I slipped and rolled my ankle. I did not think anything of it when it happened, but later on while on stage, my foolish disregard for my own wellbeing took something from me that I would never be able to get back. It took my final moment on stage. Yes, I fell in front of the whole audience that night, not even one minute into the performance. I rolled my ankle again, this time damaging my ballet career for good. After running off stage in tears, and into my ballet instructor's arms, I realized my folly disregard for my years of hard work and ultimately myself. I pushed myself to obtain a freedom from self-hatred, I thought that if I did well in this performance I could be finally content with myself, yet I ended up exposing myself to the worst type of scrutiny. That night in the showroom helped me redefine the meaning of hard work and lead me to a new kind of introspection, where I now only see positive light shed on my accomplishments and even mistakes.
Today, I do not look back at the night in the showroom and think of it as my last performance, for I have not only had other chances to perform at San Francisco State University, but that night also marked a new beginning for myself and my future accomplishments. Thanks to my past pains I am now prepared to face future challenges with new poise and self-confidence.
Hi :) Essay #1 sounds great, I think you did a nice job writing that. I chose a couple of sentences that I think you could re-word to make them sound better.
I immediately realized that believing my goals, which is to one day become a researcher, to be intangible, parallels the elusive nature of dark matter.
Much like how the physicist who discovered dark matter could not perceive his discovery, I could not see my future in physics after my senior year in high school, yet Fritz Zwicky still continued to pursue his endeavor, and so will I.
Essay #2 Once again, very nice work, it sounds great to me.
I chose some things that could use re-wording:
Valuable traits I forged valuable traits from my experience as a paid member of a ballet company.areI learned how to work hard work and toleratefor my own mistakes.
Beginning aOne week prior to my fourteenth birthday,
I studied and criticized every last inch of my body, while the words fat, ugly, and worthless echoed in my head.
