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"Do you play basketball?" - Trying to get into UF.


Autogazim 1 / 2  
Oct 21, 2008   #1
Hi everyone, I am trying as hard as possible to get into my number one school: UF. The only problem is, my G.P.A. is a tad low (3.7), along with my test scores (1100 SAT w/o writing)(1620 SAT w/ writing)(23 ACT). My essay needs to be between 400 and 500 words. I have about 220 so far. I had one within the required length, but my guidance counselor told me every athlete would have the same basic essay points: their sport helped them to gain social skills, become a more responsible individual, and how dedicated / determined they they are because of the sport. Anyways, I tried to go a unique path and create an essay that would truely stand out to make up for my poor academic standings. Here it is, if any of you could PLEASE help me... thank you so much!

Describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your family, your school or community activities, or your involvement in areas outside of school.

If you come up to me and ask, "Do you play basketball?" I might be tempted to ask if you play miniature golf. I cannot begin to count how many times I have been asked this very question. Just because I am tall, many people assume I am a basketball player. I have dealt with this common misconception ever since I was young. Although I may fit the typical build of a basketball player, I have decided to choose my own, unique sport: swimming. Sure, I may get criticized frequently for "wasting" my height, but I believe doing something that I enjoy is far more beneficial to me than doing something just because it is expected of me. In fact, I hope to be able to swim at the University of Florida, as it is has been my goal for the past three years. I understand what it feels like to be made fun of, put down, and criticized for being different. I know how to be my own inimitable person, regardless of what others may think about me. Knowing that individuality is important has helped me over the years to fully accept others and respect their individualities by broadening my way of thinking and viewing others' situations as reasonably and rationally as possible. My parents had a big part in helping me to see people of who they are instead of what they look like. Being of different ethnicities, my parents have struggled through discrimination and prejudgment throughout their marriage. My mother, a Caucasian, met my father, an African American, in South Carolina in 1985. They were young and married in a very small frame of time. The people of the Carolinas in the 1980's were nothing more than tolerant of biracial couples. I recall a story my parents once told me. They were standing in line to make an order in a restaurant when an elderly Caucasian woman was standing in line to the side of them. The woman looked at my parents in disgust, staring them down and not taking her eyes off of them until they left her sight. Once they were out of the restaurant, my mother began to cry her eyes out. Why had that woman given my parents such a dirty look? She had not known their names, what they did, or the kind of people they were. She only saw the difference in the color of their skin. I am glad my parents have been able to look past the views of these ignorant, judgmental people to sustain over twenty-three years of marriage. My parents have instilled this quality in me, and I feel that my ability to do my own thing and accept others for who they are will contribute to the diversity of the University of Florida's campus. My life is about being my own unique person, fulfilling my own dreams without anyone else influencing what I do and who I am.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 22, 2008   #2
Good morning.

OK, let's see:

"If you come up to me and ask, "Do you play basketball?" I might be tempted to ask if you play miniature golf. That's a funny opening line. I cannot begin to count how many times I have been asked this very question.
OP Autogazim 1 / 2  
Oct 22, 2008   #3
Thank you so much for your time you took to review my essay. I am so glad there are people like you that are there to help others out! Thank you again for your help and support!
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 26, 2008   #4
Alright :) Let's see:

"My mother, a c aucasian, met..." This doesn't have to be capitalized.

"...elderly Caucasian woman was standing..."

"My parents have instilled this quality in me, and I feel that my ability to do my own thing and..." I know what you mean, and so will others, but this is still a pretty casual phrase here, especially for a formal essay. How about rewording it to something like, "that my ability to think and act for myself" or "that my ability to do what is best and right for me, regardless of others' opinions" or the like.

I like the changes! Great work! Keep it up!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP Autogazim 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2008   #5
Once again, you are amazing. : P Once implementing your revisions, I will submit my essay and my application tonight! Wish me luck! Thank you again for so much help. I honestly had know clue of where I should go with this essay. This site is awesome and I will be sure to use it again in the future. Thank you once again!


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