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'to play a constructive role in educating my society' - Volunteering; ExtraCurricular activity


am291x 2 / 9  
Dec 22, 2014   #1
So, could anyone please take a look at the grammar and punctuation. Also suggest places I can cut or join sentences to cut 20 words as it exceeds the word limit.

However,the order of events can't be changed since it came that way.

My initial intention in volunteering at The Citizens Foundation's summer camp for underprivileged children, was to play a constructive role in educating my society. However,after two successive years of participation, I was awarded by being selected as a supervisor for the program itself. My preliminary task was to design a curriculum for the program with an emphasis on improving the pupils' spoken English and social skills. During it's course, I ensured a smooth conduct of daily affairs at the three participating schools. Also, I assisted my fellow volunteers in understanding their respective roles and the importance of ignoring the social-gap to effectively bond with the children. The debriefings and group activities suggested by my mentor at the NGO helped in this regard. Our tireless efforts resulted in the children: who originally were unable to communicate in English in their classrooms, to present a play in front of the whole school, at the closing ceremony. The beaming innocent faces,and the fact that some even cried while seeing us leave reassured us that we did touch some hearts,and minds. The program did teach me some predictable things-- leadership, management, and responsibility-- but my learning was not limited to that. Having a close proximity to the management gave me an insight into the operational structure of an NGO. Additionally, I also learned the importance of a democracy: as a middle ground between two opposing suggestions was required while planning group activities. The experience was such that I would let it be a catalyst for me to pursue such endeavors in the future.
vangiespen - / 4,136 1449  
Dec 22, 2014   #2
Ahmad, I edited it down to 237 words. I reworded some parts to reduce the word count without affecting the subject of the paragraph or sentence. I hope it works for you :-)

My intention in volunteering at The Citizens Foundation's summer camp for underprivileged children, was to play a constructive role in educating my society. After two successive years of participation, I was awarded by being selected as a supervisor for the program itself. My preliminary task was to design a curriculum with an emphasis on improving the pupils' spoken English and social skills. During it's course, I ensured a smooth conduct of daily affairs at the three participating schools. I assisted my fellow volunteers in understanding their roles and the importance of ignoring the social-gap to effectively bond with the children. The debriefings and group activities suggested by my mentor at the NGO helped in this regard. Our tireless efforts resulted in the children: who originally were unable to communicate in English in their classrooms, presenting a play in front of the whole school at the closing ceremony. The beaming innocent faces,and the fact that some even cried while seeing us leave assured us that we did touch hearts,and minds. The program taught me leadership, management, and responsibility. Having a close proximity to the management gave me an insight into the operational structure of an NGO. I also learned the importance of democracy: as a middle ground between two opposing suggestions was required while planning group activities. The experience was such that I would let it be a catalyst for me to pursue such endeavors in the future.
OP am291x 2 / 9  
Dec 22, 2014   #3
thank you soo much!

just another thing, does the last sentence makes sense? Someone just told me it was vague.
vangiespen - / 4,136 1449  
Dec 22, 2014   #4
I left that sentence in because I was not sure if you would be receptive to my deleting it. I have to agree with the person who told you that the sentence is too vague though. The way I see it, you have 2 options. Either start a new paragraph with that last sentence and expand upon what you are trying to say or, delete the sentence and end the essay with the sentence before it. That seems like the best ending for the essay but, I really cannot decide upon that for you. What happens to the last sentence is all up to you. I'll support whatever decision you make about it :-)
OP am291x 2 / 9  
Dec 22, 2014   #5
I guess I'll delete it.
But if I do that, will I not need a concluding sentence? something like that the experience was productive.
or just ending with the current second last sentence is good enough.
vangiespen - / 4,136 1449  
Dec 22, 2014   #6
On the contrary, I believe that the essay ends on a good note if you delete what is currently your last sentence. It really sounds out of place where it is right now so deleting it will only benefit the essay. If you have any concerns about how the essay might be affected, you can try to write a concluding paragraph using the last sentence as the start of a new paragraph , which will be your closing statement to the essay. Try out both versions and see which version you feel suits you best. Use the version that you feel best represents what you are trying to say.


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