three major elements
mm...enlighten me, what are the elements again?
Since I know New York City both inside and out
take out both
There is someone who always wants to improve an existing idea.
I don't think you need this sentence as a finish
I selected this major because of my ardor for computers.
mm...why else? you probably should come up with something more unique than I want to do CS because I like computers.
Everyone comes to me for any tech related help and some ask me, "How come you know so much about computers?" My reply is, "I played around with my computer."
this is just plain arrogant. Unless you've hacked pentagon computers and gotten million dollars top secret softwares like Jonathan James, I don't think you can say that you know "so much about computers"
I want to become a Computer Engineer since I want to learn more about computers, inside and out. The compliments of my friends and also my own fervor for computers inspired me to pursue my career as a Computer Engineer.
this finish is no where near personal. You basically said: i want to do CS because 1 i like computers and 2 i'm good at it...because my friends think i'm a computer genius. this is not exactly what a college is looking for in an applicant
NYU-Poly will be a challenge for many students
so you're saying, without proof other than you have experience with computers, that you're better than many other students...extremely arrogant.
I am more than prepared to succeed
wow, that makes me really want to crush your haughtiness (no offense, but if i feel this way, the admin will, and that's not a good sign)
as smooth as possible
what do you mean by that?
the first response was original, but the second and third are just very generic, and VERY ARROGANT comment. You want to show that you're good, but not say you're good. when you do that, you'd just antagonize your audience and discredit your (surely amazing) abilities. I wasn't trying to attack you personally, but your tone is really dismissive and self centered.