Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I looked to the left; my vision was hazy and the door seemed miles away, far from reach. My brain was screaming at my feet to move, to walk, to get out of the room, but they seemed to be on their own in another dimension, frozen in time. I felt someone push me toward the door, unlocking my body as I returned to the real world. Blindly, I staggered out, my lungs taking in the fresh air. It was the final and most important competition of my high school career - the Peninsula Symphony Young Musicians Competition that brought shivers down my spine just by thinking of its name.
I was done. It was all over and I had no regrets. For many months, struggling hour after hour each day, I had worked rigorously to make those last ten minutes of my life perfect. When I held the music to the Saint Saens Violin Concerto no. 3 in my hands, I knew that this piece would make me a winner. I didn't just want to win; I was determined to win, and I embraced this feeling that I had to win, almost as if I were obligated.
From the start, I knew that this was my last chance to ever win another competition. In past competitions that year, I had not received any prize or award, and I was physically and emotionally crushed. All those hours of tiring practice, wasted away for what seemed like nothing, the post-competition emotional breakdown, the plummet in self-esteem - in those months, I was drowning at the lowest point of my musical journey. I felt that I was doing something wrong, that maybe I should give up. With my confidence already at its lowest at that point, I feared the worst as the day of the competition came closer. I felt that if I did not win, I would be a failure. Not winning in the string of previous competitions had totally destroyed by sense of worth in music. But this was my last chance. I lived each nearing day in fear, practicing hours and hours, putting in all of my strength and effort to make my performance perfect.
I will never forget the day of the competition. I played my heart out, and couldn't have asked for a better presentation of myself. When I got a letter the following week informing me that I had won Second Place, I felt something inside of me, this emotion that I could not and still cannot express in words. It was something I alone could experience, an independent feeling of accomplishment, pride, and a jumble of other emotions that would forever remain in my heart. After having to read so many letters that started off with, "We are sorry, Deborah...," there was a new confidence in myself as I realized my potential of accomplishing a goal if I am determined and unwavering in achieving it. With my own determination, I had made myself a winner. I am a new person, ready to take on challenges with my regained confidence, and with my determination, I know I can do anything.
thanks! i was thinking that also,
i have a tendency to write and have the story flowing, but suddenly it gets stuck in mud until the end, i need to fix that somehow
One thing i've learned (in a screen writing class) is that if it doesn't relate to the main point (thesis) then take it out. There are some things toward the end that are good but could be re-worded or omitted to be more concise. i.e what the letter said, how nice of a day it was, your internal conflict of not being first (focus on the positive of getting second, not the negative of loosing first), ect.
I've posted my prompt #1 on here. Feel free to read it and let me know what you think. I was advised by my school's transfer center to have this submitted no later than this weekend!
Mike, that sure is a good point.
I think this sentence should be added as the last sentence of the first paragraph, so that the reader knows what the heck is going on after reading that first paragraph:
It was the final and most important competition of my high school career - the Peninsula Symphony Young Musicians Competition that brought shivers down my spine just by thinking of its name.
Then, take the rest of para #2 and merge it with para #3.
No comma necessary here: I played my heart out and couldn't have asked for a better presentation of myself.
I recommend adding a little info about your college aspirations and career goals in that last paragraph... because connecting the experience with the aspirations they helps to show how the experience affected "who you are."
I took out some sentences, and regrouped paragraphs. I think you should add your aspirations in the last paragraph, as stated above.
otherwise, great!
