I'm submitting my essays for four colleges within a day. University of Miami, Indiana University, uMass, and Pepperdine. After 6 revisions, I'm still unsure if it is worthy of an acceptance letter from the above schools (Pepperdine and Miami are reach schools). I will accept any criticism. The essay is not complete yet. The topic my essay is based on is: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story. Anything in parenthesis within the essay is for this forum's eyes (mainly to help decide whether I should keep it or leave it out). I am also not going to include the company's name because I currently work there and it wouldn't be right be right. It is a Top 25 Fortune 500 company with over $100Billlion in revenue last year.
Words: 530ish Limit: 600
trading playing cards in elementary school to selling items to peers throughout middle school, I felt that my passion for business was in my blood. Growing up, I was always observant of the things others did not notice; much of my free time was spent asking questions. I have always been able to solve problems better than others. This peculiar characteristic manifested itself into the workings of one of my most memorable moments. (needs a lot of work, I know)
In the autumn of 2013, after only two weeks as an employee of COMPANY, I uncovered an estimated $500,000 vulnerability in the company's returns and COMPANY's REWARDS system. The vulnerability, which was being exploited by many customers in my store location, allowed customers to return items for a greater price than the items were purchased for. For instance, a customer would come into the store and make a purchase for $100. The next day, he or she would return everything on the purchase and receive $150. This flawed system, which COMPANY had been using, did not recognize the price that an item was purchased for, thus giving customers back full retail value regardless of sales, coupons, and discounts that had been applied to the original purchase. I noticed a customer engaging in this scheme multiple times and observed, through his receipt, that he had successfully exploited this vulnerability for more than $10,000 during the course of nine months. By this point it was obvious to me that the company's vulnerability was susceptible in all stores across the country.
Determined to improve the unsophisticated system, I contacted my manager, a corporate loss prevention agent, and a human resources representative. I informed them of how the vulnerability was being exploited and how the company could easily remedy the problem. Within a week of correspondence, the vulnerability was fixed through my suggestions of syncing up receipts and canceling out COMPANY's REWARDS if a return was involved. Soon after, I received a letter of recommendation and recognition from my district manager for my part in the modification of the severe vulnerability. This experience is representative of my business-like identity; my recognition of an apparent problem and ability to locate the resources necessary to repair it helped my company reduce its amount of losses significantly.
I was working at COMPANY for 2 weeks when I exposed this vulnerability to corporate. I am eager to see what I can do after graduating from college. My desire to improve a faulty system prevailed, and it was at that moment when I realized that I could potentially take my passion for business and apply it in a career. Other than working as a COMPANY employee, my passion for business has inspired me to audit edX classes and create my own online business. I have also worked with eBay and Craigslist to great extent. I believe my remarkable characteristics and the resources your institution has to offer will augment my success in a business major. I uncovered a $500,000 (fraction of my estimate 7500 stores * 10,000 in each store = 75m) plus vulnerability in my company's system after only three weeks. Imagine the possibilities after graduating from college.
Hi, I just signed up on this website today, so I'm going to try my best to respond, and give good feedback.
"From trading playing cards in elementary school to..."
"Growing up, I was always observant of the things others did not notice; much of my free time was spent asking questions ."
Blue : How does this relate?
At the end of the introduction paragraph, I think you should explain how this got you into business...
Like... With this I realized that business was where I belonged, and I knew that I could accomplish a lot through this...etc.
"I was working at COMPANY for 2 weeks when I exposed..." 2 should be spelled out as two.
Also, you start you sentences with "I" a lot, you can still use "I" but try to reword the sentences so that not a lot of them start with "I"
For Example:
"I believe my remarkable characteristics and the resources your institution has to offer will augment my success in a business major."
My remarkable characteristics and the resources your institution has to offer will augment my success in a business major.
"I uncovered a $500,000 (fraction of my estimate 7500 stores * 10,000 in each store = 75m) plus vulnerability in my company's system after only three weeks. Imagine the possibilities after graduating from college."
By uncovering a $500,000 plus vulnerability in the company's system after only three weeks, one can only imagine the potential I have after graduating from college.
Hopefully this helped??
And the topic is--> background story central to your identity
what was the driving force in your background story that made you want to become a business major, that identified you as a person in business? Was it that you knew you were good at business? I don't really know from reading your essay.
I think you story is very interesting though, your insight to the crime that was taking place, your attention to detail, and your determination to act and actually change the system and make a difference is very cool. I don't think I would able to recognize all that was happening and actually be able to act on it.
Are you applying through Common App or individual colleges?
Because if it's Common App, the limit is 650 words.
Good Luck! :D I hope you get into the colleges!
Thank you very much, Kami. I have revised the essay and turned it in to Miami
And the topic is--> background story central to your identity
what was the driving force in your background story that made you want to become a business major, that identified you as a person in business? Was it that you knew you were good at business? I don't really know from reading your essay.
It was that I knew business was right for me. I enjoy it, I'm good at anything related to it, and my thoughts and and actions revolve around it.
I think you story is very interesting though, your insight to the crime that was taking place, your attention to detail, and your determination to act and actually change the system and make a difference is very cool. I don't think I would able to recognize all that was happening and actually be able to act on it.
Thank you very much. I appreciate that.
Are you applying through Common App or individual colleges?
Because if it's Common App, the limit is 650 words.
Both. Mainly CA for this essay though.
