Please can someone review my Admission essay for Howard University It's due this wednesday. PLease.
Here is My essay.
Born Allen Deon Logan on the day of April 16, 1989 at Arlington Hospital located in Arlington, Virigina at approximately 5:34 a.m., weighting 5 pound exactly making me the second child of Frances Walters. Thourghout my child hood I was always ambitious and open to learning new things, and gaining additional knowledge. At the age of seven I won my first basketball championship game. Shortly after that time I was getting ready to go to summer camp. Summer camp was one of the best things I loved about summer time. During summer camp I learn about sportsmanship and communication and just relaxing and having a good time with my peers to express myself.
While in Junior High School I started getting interest in the computer field. I was also chosen out of my eighth grade class to participate in a computer engineering summer program at the University of District of Columbia location in Washington D.C. While attending the University of District of Columbia I learn how to uses various software, build and break down computer hardware. At the age of 13 year old I auditions for my first play, during the audition I was extremely nervous but glad my nervousness didn't show while playing my character in front of a live audiences. Later that day I was selected to play Malcolm X I was so excited.
Entering High School was a major step for me. During the first day of high school I was thrilled to meet new people and enjoy the fact of being a high school student but at the same time I was ready to learn. I was also looking forward to the up coming school year. In the tenth grade my guidance counselor started informing me about different college's and career opportunities, she ask me various questions concerning my goals and achievements, one of the questions was where do I see myself in ten years and etcetera . While answering the questions I first told my guidance counselor. My goals are to be a successful educated young man, to attend Howard University, Be an entrepreneur and own million's of businesses around the countries, advance myself with as much experiences as I can, accomplish a degree during my four to five years in college. Secondly I inform my counselor about my achievements, I finish a summer program at the University of District of Columbia. I also told my guidance counselor that I'm looking forward to my up coming achievements that the future holds for me. Thirdly in ten year I see myself as a young professional business man who has achievements a lot.
While completing my high school education in the eleven grade I took a plumbing/heating course to advance myself with a trade. During the first day of this course my teacher Mr. Goldsmith explain the description of the course which last for two years. In plumbing class I work on water heaters, toilet, sink faucets and etc. Toward the end of the eleven grade school year I receive an intern position with a federal government contractor company. While working for the company I receive a lot of government and I.T. experiences. This intern position really made me focus on my career. Reaching my senior year of high school I really got serious about going to college. The college that I strongly feel that I want to attend is Howard University Located in Washington D.C. Throughout my four years of High School I feel like I accomplish a lot and I am look forward to the future.
Greetings!
I've done some editing for you and will give you some suggestions:
Born Allen Deon Logan on the day of April 16, 1989 at Arlington Hospital located in Arlington, Virigina at approximately 5:34 a.m., weighing 5 pound exactly making me the second child of Frances Walters. - I would leave this out; it is a rather dry list of statistics that doesn't add anything to why the school should admit you as a student.
Throughout my childhood I was always ambitious and open to learning new things. At the age of seven, I won my first basketball championship game. Shortly after that, I was getting ready to go to summer camp. Summer camp was one of the best things I loved about summer time. During summer camp I learned about sportsmanship and communication and just relaxing and having a good time with my peers to express myself.
While in Junior High School I started getting interested in the computer field. I was also chosen out of my eighth grade class to participate in a computer engineering summer program at the University of District of Columbia located in Washington D.C. While attending the University of District of Columbia, I learned how to use various kinds of software, build and break down computer hardware. At the age of 13 years old, I auditioned for my first play. During the audition I was extremely nervous but glad my nervousness didn't show while playing my character in front of a live audience. Later that day, I was selected to play Malcolm X; I was so excited!
Entering high school was a major step for me. During the first day of high school I was thrilled to meet new people and enjoy the fact of being a high school student, but at the same time I was ready to learn. I was also looking forward to the upcoming school year. In the tenth grade, my guidance counselor started informing me about different colleges and career opportunities. She asked me various questions concerning my goals and achievements; one of the questions was, where did I see myself in ten years? I told my guidance counselor that my goals are to be a successful, educated young man, to attend Howard University, be an entrepreneur and own numerous businesses around the country, advance myself with as much experience as I can, and attain a degree during my four to five years in college. I also informed my counselor that I finished a summer program at the University of District of Columbia and that I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. I said that in ten years, I see myself as a young professional business man.
While completing my high school education, in the eleventh grade I took a plumbing/heating course to advance myself with a trade. During the first day of this course my teacher, Mr. Goldsmith, explained what the course would cover for the next two years. In plumbing class I worked on water heaters, toilets, sink faucets and other projects. Toward the end of the eleventh grade school year, I received an intern position with a federal government contractor. While working for the company I received a lot of government and I.T. experience. This intern position really made me focus on my career. Reaching my senior year of high school, I really got serious about going to college. The college that I strongly feel that I want to attend is Howard University. Throughout my four years of high school I feel that I accomplished a lot and I am looking forward to the future.
You might want to add a little more at the end about why you chose Howard University in particular, as opposed to another school.
Best of luck in your studies!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
