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"Playing as a goalkeeper" - MIT pleasure essay (100 words)


marigandi 2 / 3  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
Hi. I am new here.

Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it

Playing as a goalkeeper in a soccer game may be boring because I only stand in front of the goalpost during the whole game. Yet, I like my position because of the responsibility that I have as a goalkeeper. I have to be alert throughout the match as I have to ensure that not one ball goes beyond the goalpost. Furthermore, I have to be a leader of the team because my role allows me to have a wide view of the match; therefore, I have to give orders to my fellow teammates based on my observation of the match.

Please tell me what you think about this essay.

Thanks
khoshhal 1 / 5  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
Overall it is very weak essay. Don't just try to make up hundred words. Can you imagine reading something boring? Try to write in away to grab one's attention.
kda013 6 / 18  
Dec 26, 2009   #3
i agree with khoshhal
though i understand that its
kinda difficult to make it interesting with only 100 words.

but try to make your first sentence short and witty.
change your essay into something that
the reader can enjoy.

btw i liked the goalkeeper idea.

good luck! ;]
pmurray62 8 / 26  
Dec 26, 2009   #4
This essay is difficult to strengthen. There are going to be so many sports essays--what experience as a goalkeeper have you had that sets you apart from every other goalkeeper that will be applying to MIT?

Perhaps you should make this a very short anecdote. Think about it as you would a story. Maybe even focus on a mistake you made as a goalkeeper, so that you could begin your essay with an onomatopoeia. I.e. "Wooooosh. I could feel my heart beat faster as the ball flew right by me, directly into the goal. I had failed." Then maybe say something about how this is alright, however, because not being able to catch one ball from going in the net doesn't mean a lost game. I don't really know. I don't play any sports--but in just a few seconds I've written about a sport I only understand the fundamentals of.

Apart from all this, I don't see any obtrusive grammar errors. This is good. Just work on developing a more gripping essay. If necessary, pick another topic that only you do for pleasure. You might have better luck if you write about something you've really invested your heart in. From this essay, I would guess that you're not really that dedicated to soccer.
mjellma 6 / 26  
Dec 27, 2009   #5
Playing as a goalkeeper in a soccer game may be boring because I only stand in front of the goalpost during the whole game.
Don't say that, you're trying to stand out of 3000 candidates. Try a more catchy begining. If you could make the essay seen more passionate it would be a great essay, however as it is now :S, I would not send it.
OP marigandi 2 / 3  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
Thank you for the comments. Now I changed my pleasure essay, but it is related to soccer. Please have a look at my new one.

I shoot the ball, but the ominous defenders block the way of the ball. For the second chance, my shot goes miles away from the goalpost. And for the third try, my ball is saved by the opposing goalkeeper. Although the goal net is eight meters wide, it is very difficult to score a goal, and I need to constantly make shots into the goalpost. But that is the beauty of a soccer match because once I shoot the ball beyond the goalkeeper, I feel that all the endless effort to score is paid off by a GOAL.
realcheesecake - / 4  
Dec 29, 2009   #7
Still kind of weak- you've conveyed nothing unique about yourself, just that you know how to play soccer. Just be honest. I think you're trying too hard to relate it to life.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 30, 2009   #8
Add a comma:
But that is the beauty of a soccer match, because once I shoot the ball beyond the goalkeeper, I feel that all the endless effort to score is paid off by a GOAL.

Yes, it will be good if you can make this more about perseverance than about soccer. You can suggest, at the beginning or the end, that soccer is all about perseverance for you.


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