Describe your extra curricular
Golf is not a sport that only retired men play for a hobby but rather one that everyone can enjoy. Although I only played for a year, I am one of those people who can not live without golf. The fact that golf helped me to make friends and become an active person when I was new to America made me even love the sport more. Going to the course and practicing became the most exciting part of the day and the competitive nature of golf tempted me to improve my skills and learn patience. Now I am able to play around 40 for nine holes at a time when I was around 60s almost a year ago. As a result, I will be in the varsity team and I am proud of what I have done. I am thankful that I can enjoy such privilege when all this would have been impossible if I had stayed in Korea.
Now I am able to play around 40 for nine holes at a time when I was around 60s almost a year ago.
I feel this sentence is quite unnecessary. The last sentence about not staying in korea does not fit into the essay smoothly. However, If this is just part of an essay. Then you may have elaborate further on this point.
Great job!!
Cannot --- it should be written as one word, like this.
Use a comma for the compound sentence:
Going to the course and practicing became the most exciting part of the day, and the ...
You wrote this in a way that is definitely impressive because of how thoughtful and stylish it is. The only way to make it stronger is to somehow connect golf with your career aspirations. I can't think of a way to do that, though! Maybe the career that interests you is one that requires meditative focus in a single moment, just like golf.
"...America made me even love the sport more." -> made me love the sport even more
The topic is great, but it sounds to me that you are happy more about leaving Korea and coming to America (which is great too, I moved here as well), but I think you should talk about how golf has given you certain qualities and elaborate on those. You said it gave you patience, but how has it given you patience and how can you use these skills for your future and in college. I hope this helps! :)
hmm.. to be honest your opening statement has no spark to it.
The fact that golf helped me to make friends and become an active pe change that
you really need to work on your syntax on this.
thanks guys for a lot of help
Short answer for Common app-extracurricular activity
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer, 1000 character maximum)
Totally different from my first draft...
I used to follow my father to the golf practice ranges and hit some balls with him when we lived in Spain. Sending the balls to where I want them to go really got me interested in golf. So naturally, I joined the golf team at my school when I came to America. By playing golf, I was able to make friends who helped adjust myself to the new life in America. I realized that golf is more than knowing the swing techniques. I learned to be the judge of my own game and to respect the people whom I play with on the course. In other words, golf has taught me integrity and consideration for others. These valuable lessons will help me tremendously through my life. I am excited to be on the varsity team this season and would like to practice even harder to become a better player.
Would this be good enough? Just 150 words
change:
friends who helped adjust myself to the new life in America...
hmm.. you mention what golf taught you..but that can be said for any sport.. i think you should fix that!
I think you should further explore yourself, because not too visible in this essay.
No grammar mistakes but it to be honest, it sounds a little dull. Be more descriptive of your passion for golf!
Please edit my carnegie essay :)
well there are not explicit grammar mistakes but the sudden tense changes should be fixed. It jumps from past to present to past then present. Need some consistency in the first 100 words.
