Hello, I wrote a rough draft for the personal essay for the Common App. I would greatly appreciate it if someone looked at it and picked it apart. Feel free to make any suggestions or corrections.
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence. (250-500 words)
"Eww, what is that hideous creature?!!!" I exclaimed to myself as I stared at the 'thing' lying in my mother's arms in the hospital bed. Its body was rotund and misshapen, the skin red like a ripe habanero pepper, and its beady eyes bore into my skull. Basically, the 'thing' looked like a bloated strawberry alien baby. I immediately hated the creature because my monopoly over my parents' love and attention would be threatened by its presence. But, there was nothing I could do about it, the 'thing' was here to stay. The 'thing' was my younger sister.
Of course, I tried to inflict as much pain and misery to the 'thing' as possible. Though over time, my hate for it gradually eroded, and I grew to love my sister instead. In her, I found a new buddy for life, and I took her under my wing. She turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
My sister has made a profound impact on me. As an older brother since the tender age of thirteen months, I had quickly discovered the meaning of responsibility. I was the one who had to look after and protect my sister when my parents were out of town. I also had to play and share my things with her. I taught her how to have fun by playing with Hot Wheels cars and action figures rather than with sissy dolls. My proudest moment was when my sister tried to imitate her big brother by trying to pee like a boy. Furthermore, I had to rapidly learn to be less self-centered and more caring or face the wrath of my mother. At least, I didn't have to suffer from loneliness or die of complete boredom when I was at home.
To this day, we are the best of buds. I can talk to her about anything, from academic subjects such as philosophy and biology to more everyday topics like who are the hottest ladies in school and sports. Though occasionally, like all siblings, we do get into fights and heated debates over petty matters such as not lifting the toilet while peeing and taking too long of a shower and so on. But, I am grateful for my parents for getting it on at the right time to produce my lovely sister. I mean if she wasn't born, then who knows what kind of dreadful brat I would have been? I am glad the bloated strawberry evolved into a beautiful strawberry.
Hello,
I think the story is very cute. The instructions have two parts, "a person who has had a significant influence on you" and "describe that influence". This essay includes both parts. However, I personally find that the essay emphasizes more on who your sister is. Although that is important too, in this short essay for you application, I think it's also very important to explain and describe why and how this person is influential. This is just my advice. I hope it helps.
I agree with @bbchen33. while your essay is interesting and ties in with the prompt given, you need to go in detail how your sister influenced your life and why you consider her as this influential figure in your life. "I also had to play and share my things with her." Perhaps you can elaborate on how that affected your interactions in life and your attitude?
Hey, I really liked your essay. It fit the prompt nicely and kept the reader's attention. Though, since you are submitting this to colleges, you might want to be careful about some of the colloquialisms you use such as "get it on". Other than that, just try to provide a better transition between paragraphs. Hope I could be of some help.
