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"playing the piano" - COMMON APP ESSAY: Elaborate on one of your activities


luu123 5 / 11  
Nov 29, 2009   #1
Hey :)

Please help critique the following essssaay!!! MUCH APPRECIATED :D

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One of my favorite pastimes is playing the piano. Throughout the years, I have had various teachers, and I am grateful to each one for the knowledge, experience and talent they gave me. However, the most important lesson I learnt, although it may sound clichéd, is to first play with your head, then with your heart. The music jumps to life, capturing the audience's soul and imagination when the piano playing comes from the heart. Playing the piano using this method during my Grade 8 Piano Exam in 2004, my examiner's last words to me are still, to this day, etched in my mind: 'you made my day'. Now, I not only adore playing the piano, I enjoy participating in various national and international competitions and performing in concerts and school events. (See my awards section for my details.)

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should i incorporate some humor/detail into it? i feel like it might be a bit cliched, even though i actually mean what im writing?

pleaseee give suggestions!!

xxx
Janelle 3 / 20  
Nov 29, 2009   #2
I like it, its cute and simple...
What I would change:
"However, the most important lesson I learnt, although it may sound clichéd, is to first play with your head, then with your heart." I would take out what is in red because it doesn't seem necessary.

And if you don't want to sound cliche but want humor, add a paradox.
:)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 30, 2009   #3
Playing the piano using this method during my Grade Eight Piano Exam in 2004, my examiner said something to me that is still, to this day, etched in my mind: 'you made my day'.

The examiner said it while you were playing... they are not "etched in your mind to this day" while playing... I hope that makes sense! I don't know how to explain it! :-)
freshmantobe - / 5  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
Are you keeping the comment at the end? (check my awards section)
I don't think that's necessary. They want to read something that's not about the awards but about how you enjoy a specific activity.

Also, if this is your essay, I find it a bit short.
a LOT of people choose to write about the piano. Make your essay more special.
I think it has potential though :)
nikhurs 4 / 17  
Dec 30, 2009   #5
First off, this is for the short answer correct? If so, it's a good length.

I noticed a few problems:

knowledge, experience and talent they gave me <- I don't think talent can be "given".

However,T he most important lesson I learnt learned, although it may sound clichéd, is to first play with your head, then with your heart. <- Also, if it sounds cliched, maybe you could put your own spin to it.

Now, I not only adore playing the piano, I enjoy participating in various national and international competitions and performing in concerts and school events. (See my awards section for my details.)<- If all they need to do is look at your awards section (which they will be doing) don't mention it. Add something else instead, like why you enjoy playing the piano (what makes it an activity meaningful enough to write about?)

Hope this helps. If you get a chance, could you look at my essay?

Good luck!


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