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I have been playing soccer since I was four; Duke University ; Extracurricular activities


alextloft28 4 / 15 1  
Oct 14, 2013   #1
PROMPT: Please discuss one of your extracurricular activities that has required a particularly significant time commitment or that has played a meaningful role in your personal development. (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)

Response: Out of all of the extracurricular activities I'm in soccer has most significantly impacted my personal development. I have been playing soccer since I was four, so saying it is a major time commitment is an understatement. Through my time playing soccer my personality developed for being egocentric to selfless. That development also taught me to appreciate the value of teamwork. . Once I realized that it was teamwork that set apart the great teams from the average teams I began to look beyond myself and become more focused on my team's success. Now I didn't perceive teams as just a collection of independent players but more of a singular unit; winning and losing as a group. That development made me change to way I acted on and off the soccer field.

Notes: First of all thank you for taking the time to read my essay and give me constructive criticism. Also my essay is 132 words and the limit is 150, so i can add a a sentence or two. I have a 31 on the act and I'm in the top 15% of my graduating class so I really need to do well on this essay to have a shot at getting accepted. Thanks again!:)
sthakur 2 / 22 7  
Oct 14, 2013   #2
According to how important this essay is for your application, I think you really need to work on making your essay more creative. Try to use imagery or metaphors to really engage the reader and make him/her visualize what it's like playing on that soccer field with a team. Don't just state the facts!
OP alextloft28 4 / 15 1  
Oct 14, 2013   #3
Do you think that it would be best to insert more imagery in the beginning of the paragraph when I am talking about how long I have played soccer. Thanks so much for the advice!:)
hgood 4 / 6  
Oct 14, 2013   #4
I think you need to explain a little more! How was it a major time commitment? You could have been playing since you were four but only have one practice a month. How did it change your personality? Tie the learning about teamwork into how it made you less egotistical. Also, the end of the paragraph kind of makes it seem like the whole thing was about teamwork and not soccer, so be sure to bring it back to the main subject. And revise it for grammar/spelling/word choice (there's a comma missing in the first sentence, "for" in the third sentence should be "from," try using synonyms for words like "activities I'm in" -> "participate in" or "great/average"). Sorry if this seems a little harsh but it's what I would like someone to tell me about my essay, especially to Duke! Good luck!
OP alextloft28 4 / 15 1  
Oct 14, 2013   #5
Thanks for your thoughts, and there is no such thing as to harsh. I would MUCH rather hear this from you than an admin counselor for duke. I really like all of the ideas you have but do you think that I can do all of that stuff with only 150 words. Right now im at 143 words so im not really sure how to incorporate all of them. Thanks again!:)
OP alextloft28 4 / 15 1  
Oct 14, 2013   #6
Out of all of the extracurricular activities I've been a part of, soccer has most significantly impacted my personal development. Since I was four, soccer has been my main time obligation, consuming endless hours of my time. All of which helped me develop from being egocentric to selfless. Consequently I also started to appreciate the value of teamwork. Once I realized that it was teamwork that set apart the great teams from the average teams I began to look beyond myself and become more focused on my team's success. Now I didn't perceive teams as just a collection of independent players but more of a singular unit; winning and losing as a unit. By stepping one the field we morphed together to create one entity, with a common goal. All of the blood, sweat, and tears shed on and off the field fueled the group to greatness that wouldn't have been previously feasible. That development made me change to way I acted on and off the soccer field.

---- 168 words----

This is my latest version.... Am I moving in the right direction. What area do you think I could cut to get back under the word limit???
hgood 4 / 6  
Oct 14, 2013   #7
Out of all of the extracurricular activities I've been a part of, soccer has most significantly impacted my personal development. Since I was four, soccer has been my main (took out time) obligation. (New sentence) The sport has consumed endless hours of my time, (combine sentences) all of which have helped me develop from being egocentric to selfless. Consequently, I also started to appreciate the value of teamwork. Once I realized that it was teamwork that set apart the great teams from the average teams, I began to look beyond myself and become more focused on my team's success. Now I didn't perceive teams as just a collection of independent players, but more of a singular unit: winning and losing as one . By stepping on (on not one) the field we morphed together to create one entity (no comma) with a common goal. All of the blood, sweat, and tears shed on and off the field fueled the group to greatness that wouldn't have been previously feasible. That (change this!! don't start sentences, especially conclusions, with "that") development made me change to way I acted on and off the soccer field.

I edited some of it, mostly for grammar but a few minor changes as well. It's a lot better! I still think that it's a little too focused on the teamwork aspect (is that all soccer taught you?), but if you're having trouble getting more broad I would just say it flat out in the beginning (soccer helped me become a better team player etc.) versus going over the whole dedication and time thing. That would help with the word count.
OP alextloft28 4 / 15 1  
Oct 14, 2013   #8
Thank you so much hgood.. I honestly suck at writing, so having this sort of help in awesome. YOU ARE A LIFESAVER!!!
sthakur 2 / 22 7  
Oct 16, 2013   #9
Um, yeah that'll work. Try to make it into a story. Describe a game. For example, With only a minute left on the clock, I took the ball from the defense and saw that my friend was not blocked. So, I passed the ball to him, who passed it on to another friend and scored a goal. We won! Rain drizzled from the sky to celebrate our victory. At that moment, I realized that teamwork was important...something like that. Be creative and interesting!


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