Hey Guys!
I'm applying to Rice, and I would like someone to help edit my Rice essay.
R+R :]. Thanks!
The quality of Rice's academic life and the Residential College System are heavily influenced by the unique life experiences and cultural traditions each student brings. What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice? (Most applicants are able to respond successfully in two to three double-spaced pages.)
Playing sports is like being in a relationship: The more you give, the more you receive. In eighth grade, I had not quite understood the importance of this idea, and I treated football like a hobby, missing practices and games for juvenile reasons like a camping trip or a movie night. Understandably, I was dumped, and by the middle of the season I had lost my position as starting offensive guard and had been relegated to a new position: benchwarmer. The second half of the season was insufferable, and with every passing game I felt more humiliation as I made the steel bench my home. At the last game of the season, I cried despite the fact that we won. Angrily, I swore that I would never play football again.
The next fall, in my freshman year of high school, I was presented again with the prospect of playing football. Still bitter from the previous season, I felt that I had no incentive to play. But despite my animosity towards the game, I had played it for six years already, and the strange and frightening concept of a fall season without football convinced me to try it again.
Humbled from what had happened the previous season, I worked hard during the preseason practices and earned my first career defensive start as an outside linebacker. I felt at ease playing the defensive position, and through it I rediscovered my joy in playing the game. I began looking forward to football practices, and during long school days I would often catch myself glancing at the clock, counting down the minutes. I appreciated the many facets of the game: its paradoxical combination of vicious physicality with mental awareness, the camaraderie of the team, and the competitive nature. When the freshman football season ended, I continued my commitment to football in offseason training, attending lifting sessions in the school year and practices in the summer.
In the following four years, my passion for football grew, and my commitment to the program did as well. In my senior year, I was voted to be a team captain in recognition of my hard work. I had come a long way from the young adolescent who merely participated in football but did not become involved in it. Now, I was a capable leader who was willing to sacrifice my own needs for the team. Football also shaped other aspects of my high school career. I carried over the intensity and commitment from football into my other sport, lacrosse, as well as my participation in my Junior Statesmen of America club and my volunteering at my local church, intensifying my involvement and impact in each. And through the academic crunch that I experienced every fall, I learned to organize my schedule and manage my time, a skill that has proved extremely useful. I played football to become a better football player, but it has paid me in dividends by helping me to become a better person as well.
I bring this perspective of commitment to Rice University. Through football, I have not only learned how to give time to something, but also the importance of having passion. At Rice University, I will not be just a student, but an active member in the Rice Community, because I have learned that the more I give, the more I will receive.
Your first paragraph is very impressive, and it makes me immediately notice that you are a skillful writer. So, you make a good first impression, and I really feel that sense of disappointment that comes with an experience like that.
Near the end, I think you start repeating points that you already made. Here:
In the following four years, my passion for football grew, and my... my other sport, lacrosse, as well as my participation in my Junior Statesmen of America club and my volunteering at my local church, intensifying my involvement and impact in each. I think you should condense that stuff into half the amount of space.
Then, describe the characteristics of that focused state of mind you are mentioning. That is a great theme. "Show, don't tell." That means make concrete statements and give concrete examples. Share your ideas about the life lesson and its implications.
I like how you maintained that theme, the more you give, the more you receive... BUT it is a cliche. You could express the same idea in your own unique way, and that would give the reader new insight.
:-)
