Hey, could you guys please take a quick look at my essay and give me some tips! Much much muuch appreciated!
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Plummeting down the Rabbit-Hole
"Full of curiosity, she hurried across the field after it, and was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. In a moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again."
Spontaneous. Risk-taking. Inquisitive.
A metaphor for the journey into an absurd, nonsensical world, the rabbit-hole flawlessly depicts my life. However, living life tumbling down the rabbit-hold is in fact, unexpectedly diverse and thrilling.
Living a high school life parallels plummeting down the rabbit-hole; my world is constantly filled with distractions, disruptions and disturbances. Every moment is composed of a myriad of events. Recently, I encountered an ethical quandary which I desperately pondered over, contemplating the tandem of consequences, before finally coming to an ultimate decision.
"The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly."
Annually, students in my school anxiously dread the revision period before the end-of-year exams, already panicking and fretting over the results to come. Usually, most students lock themselves away under house arrest for a week or two prior to the exam, assiduously preparing for the exams that will define their grade for the entire year. Although most students work diligently, there are always a few cases where students use academic malpractice to achieve their goals.
This year was different.
Instead of getting through the problem of examinations by conscientious preparation, many of the students found ways of getting around the problem. After the first examination had been taken, rumors that all of the questions were available online in the form of past papers. Many people dismissed the story immediately, assuming that the school would not be so foolish to use questions that were prevalent on the World Wide Web. However, the questions of the second examination were also found online.
After that examination, an influx of students instantly rushed to the nearest computer and printed copies of past papers, knowing that the same examination questions would appear the next day. Happily, the majority of students left to revise, replacing their stress with feelings of relief.
"Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next."
I was left alone with my thoughts, contemplating whether I too, should stoop to the level of referring to past papers, or whether I should take the high road by tirelessly revising and preparing for the examinations.
After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that although it would make life much simpler, using the past papers would be a form of academic dishonesty, it would obscure the results I am essentially capable of achieving, and it would hinder me from performing to the best of my abilities.
While most of my friends and classmates chose to take the easy path, I remained bound to my decision, knowing that I had made the right choice.
"Down, down, down."
Two short weeks after the examinations, the results were distributed. Although I had done considerably well, compared to many others, my results were somewhat only mediocre. The quality of the results was extremely high, and consequently, the grade boundaries rose immensely.
By deciding not to follow the crowd and choosing what I thought was the right path, my grades suffered. However, morality was at stake, and my conscience urged me to take the high road. Still, I believed that my choice was the right one; I had stayed true to myself and worked for my results.
In the same way Alice eagerly chased after the White Rabbit without a second thought as to "how in the world she was to get out again", I want to eagerly face my decisions with confidence and dignity, not needing to succumb to unethical methods to reach my goals.
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in the beginning, i talked about how my world is "absurd" and "nonsensical", but i couldnt really figure out a way to link it to the ethical dilemma i talked about. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
also, any ideas to make my essay more interesting/fun to read/keep the reader engaged are much appreciated!
THANKS A TON :)
First of all, let me just say that I loved the format of your essay. The title and first quote really hooked me and left me wanting to read more; so good job on the intro especially.
The rest of your essay was excellent, your vocabulary was impeccable. The essay really allowed you to showcase your moral superiority over your classmates. I'm sure admissions officers will appreciate honesty and integrity =)
However, there are just a few trivial grammatical mistakes here and there which I highlighted in red . There's also one sentence I thought you could change a bit..
... "Full of curiosity, she hurried across the field after it, and was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. In a moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again."
(The "Spontaneous. Risk-taking. Inquisitive" line isn't necessary)
"Going down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for a journey into an absurd, nonsensical world, flawlessly depicts my life . However, living life tumbling down the rabbit-hole is, in fact, unexpectedly diverse and thrilling. ...
... After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that, although it would make life much simpler, using the past papers would be a form of academic dishonesty; it would obscure the results I am essentially capable of achieving, and it would hinder me from performing to the best of my abilities. ...
... In the same way Alice eagerly chased after the White Rabbit without a second thought as to "how in the world she was to get out again", I (deleted "want to") eagerly face my decisions with confidence and dignity, not needing to succumb to unethical methods to reach my goals. ...
There's not much content to add, and everything transitions quite nicely. Hope I helped!
