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At a point in my life, everything was starting to fall apart. Correct flow of this common app essay?


Neelness 1 / -  
Jan 16, 2016   #1
Im currently writing the common app essay. #5 Prompt: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

I wrote this much but my question is: Should I include more in the past childhood parts or should I conclude it and move on to my adulthood phase and all the differences that I noticed? And please do check the essay for any errors or sentences that need fixing! I will highly appreciate any help. :)

Here it is (so far):

When I was in middle school, my parents decided to move back to the roots of their existence; back in Bangladesh. I lived in America almost my entire life and just the thought of a massive change in scenario left me in astonishment. Several months later, it was time to pack up and leave all the friendly people I met throughout my entire life. Of course I came to Bangladesh before to visit my relatives but never had I imagined shifting my entire life to a country where I could neither write nor speak its language fluently.

I was a very mundane child in my early years in High School who was only eager to open the neatly packed lunch his Mother had made for him. As I looked around the cafeteria, I could see dozens of students my age walking around in congregations completely absent to thoughts about me. They looked at me as just another immature person who could neither accept himself nor others around him. An inexperienced person who could not handle any amount of responsibilities placed on him. I was neither close to my family nor my friends; I could hardly share any of my feelings with anyone. Being labeled as a shy and socially introvert person lowered other people's expectations of me. It avoided any types of social or educational opportunities that would normally be presented to others. Being raised in a sheltered environment, I could not handle any situations that led to failure. At a point in my life, everything was starting to fall apart.
PinkyTune 5 / 12 2  
Jan 16, 2016   #2
Hey! Nice to have a Bangladesh, here (since, I too am a Bangladeshi). I will be glad to help you.

I start with answering your first question. Should I include more in the past ...

If you want your essay to be dynamic, you should include more of the adulthood part. That's what that will make you get to the point.

Anyways, the essay is a well-written piece, I have to say. It's excellent. Grammatical mistakes are so minor that they do not affect the readability of the text. It's quite satisfying!

Hope I was able to be of any help to you!
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jan 16, 2016   #3
Hasan, to address your concern on wether to write more about your childhood experience or not, the answer is, write a little bit.
The fact that the prompt says, write about the transition from childhood to adulthood does not necessarily mean that you have to write
or conclude your essay with your childhood experience.

The essay is simply asking you to write a smooth transition of your experience, accomplishments in particular that will help you
become a great addition to the society.

Now, I'd like to help in enhancing your essay.

- who'swas only eager to open the neatly
- At athis point in my life, everything was starting to fall apart.

So far, the above are my remarks, nothing much really, you have a good writing skills to start with and, though,
your writing is geared to not so happy side but it is what it is, I just hope that you will be able to lean towards

the positive side in order to move your essay to a positive side too.
brayan1996 17 / 34 5  
Jan 16, 2016   #4
Hello,

From my point of view, if you have room to discuss your current state and obstacles by all means do so. It will only help strengthen your essay. Now, do understand that you need to tell a story that flows and is pertinent to the prompt. Below I have reviewed what you have provided and given you some advice.

... to visit my relatives but never had I (never ) imagined shifting my entire life ...

(The first paragraph is very powerful. You evoke a strong sentiment here. )

... could neither accept himself nor others (those ) around him. An inexperienced person who could not handle any amount (type ) of responsibilities (responsibility ) placed on him.

(Wow! This is really powerful. Try to expand on this a little more. In what particular situation did you feel that your life was falling apart. This would be ideal for you to communicate given your status as an immigrant in a foreign and distant land ).


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