Thanks for your help. This is due on like 3 days. Please provide me with some feedback. The prompt is:
Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."
- J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)
"What are you doing? That was a horrible move!" exclaimed my restless ten year old cousin Tony.
Suddenly, I felt many faces turn in our direction.
"Don't attract attention to us," I replied as I remained concentrated, trying my best to ignore the ambient noises from the busy Shanghai market district.
One wrong step and we would lose the whole battle. This was the last battle and expectedly, the most difficult of the game.
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing," I said with reassurance. I'm veteran when it comes to Pokémon. As a boy, I spent a significant portion of my time perfecting my knowledge of Pokémon and like most boys, I picked up Pokémon at a very early age before any other video game. Although it's a mere game, I mean it when I say that Pokémon gave me my first taste of success as I bested the final gym leader and my first experience with compromise as I could only carry six creatures at once. It also gave me my first brushes with failure as I lost my share of battles on the way. Pokémon also had a competitive element where I could battle my friends. For a seven year old boy, Pokémon offered it all and from the most trivial to the most rewarding aspects of life, I experienced it all first with Pokémon.
"Don't you think you're a little too old for that?" asked my aunt as Tony and I were caught in the middle of the intense battle.
At that moment, I paused for a second and then continued to play; however, that question loomed over me for some time. It sparked a profound idea. I realized that I eventually did move on with age from the Pokémon franchise. There was a single day where I stashed my Gameboy away and retired as a serious Pokémon player. I moved away from that period in my life and all it took was one day. It was a black and white shift. I then began to think of life as a series of steps. After all, my seventeen years thus far confirm this outlook. From Pokémon all the way to music, I occupy my life with these interests. While I always look forward to what's next, I never forget the path that got me to where I am today.
I do not hesitate to return an earlier stone as I cherish all of my memories. While I'm seventeen instead of seven now, I didn't let my age become a hindrance to my enjoyment of the game. I still had just as much fun playing my very first game as I did years ago. And while I'm quite a few steps away from Pokémon now, I'll always enjoy returning to an earlier stone. No matter what age I am, nothing will ever change the impact Pokémon and my subsequent interests had on me. To answer my aunt's question, I'll never be too old to do anything.
"Dude, it's your turn! What are you waiting for?" asked an eager Tony.
VERY, VERY Creative writing, really captures the reader's attention, which is good. Still, I understood the connection you made with the quote, but you barely spent time talking about "never saying goodbye" and too much talking about Pokémon. You writing is great , I must admit, but I suggest you talk more about yourself than the Pokémon game itself. This suggestion is not necessarily correct, because I think it pretty good as it is now, I'm just saying... do what you want :) you are on the right track!
Best of Luck in your applications :)!
By the way, can you please check my Princeton Engineering Essay? THANKS YOU :)
I havent read further than what i have corrected but so far so good just make a few changes.
"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting."
- J.M. Barrie (Peter Pan)
"What are you doing? That was a horrible move!" exclaimed my restless ten year old cousin Tony.
Suddenly, I felt many faces turn in our direction.
"Don't attract attention to us," I replied as I remained concentrated, trying my best to ignore the ambient noises from the busy Shanghai market district.
One wrong step and we would lose the whole battle. This was the last battle and expectedly, the most difficult of the game.
"Trust me, I know what I'm doing," I said with reassurance. I'm a veteran when it comes to Pokémon. As a boy, I spent a significant portion of my time perfecting my knowledge of Pokémon and like most boys, I picked up Pokémon at a very early age.before any other video game. Although it's a mere game, I mean it when I say that Pokémon gave me mythe first taste of success as I bested (is this supposed to be beat?) the final gym leader and my first experience with compromise as I could only carry six creatures at once. It also gave me my first brushes with failure as I lost my share of battles on the way. (change: I also brushed failure for the first time) Pokémon also had a competitive element where I could battle my friends. For a seven year old boy, Pokémon offered it all and from the most trivial to the most rewarding aspects of life, I experienced it all first with Pokémon. (Seems like your giving all of your success of winning to pokemon).
Can I please get more help?
It's good when the essayist gives some discussion in response to what other people have said about the essay (or at least acknowledge them!).
Use a hyphen with year-old.
This is great description, here: At that moment, I paused for a second and then continued to play; however, that question loomed over me for some time.
It sparked a profound idea. I think this sentence is superfluous.
Ack! I see how the quote is fitting, but.. it is confusing.. at the beginning of the essay, I guess I think it is better without the quote. But it is such a perfect quote for the essay! I don't know what to do; the quote is great because peter pan fits with your "never be too old for anything" theme. If word limits permit, I think you should keep the quote but precede the dialogue about the bad move with a brief intro that expresses succinctly the main message of the essay. In fact, you could even move the discussion with your aunt up to the beginning. That is good stuff.
