Hello all,
I am submitting my application to Stanford in a matter of days and would appreciate any feedback on my mini-essays. The following deals with the topic of "what matters most to you and why":
I am a very political person. This is not to say I'm a prude- I enjoy the frivolity of my teenage-ness as anyone would- but, rather, that I'm au courant with the civic affairs of my country. I find it intriguing that anyone could possibly find such important proceedings mundane; after all, it is the fate of the people that we are speaking of! Political history, in particular, I find, is extremely beneficial to my interest; specifically, I delight in learning the development of democracy. Democracy, to me, is one of the greatest man-made doctrines. It is the foundation upon which so many countries go about their rule. In Canada, where I live, we exemplify this form of government. Despite the fact that only adults can vote in democratic elections, I have found myself a leeway to get involved with politics anyway; I am a member of the federal NDP party, and, thus, am able to participate in intraparty affairs. During this, I am acquainting myself with possible future leaders. I am forging new connections to potentially alleviate myself to high political status. And yet, I arduously labour each day sans the politics I enjoy so much. Being a minor puts me at a significant disadvantage when it comes to democratic politics; in fact, this age restriction applies to most any political system. However, I find that with something as important to me as politics, I am willing to wait; this is not something easy as I am not the world's most patient person. The politics of political decision making engages me to presume that I too will one day accomplish my dream- to stand as a proud member of Parliament, and participate in the planning of political affairs. It is important because it is the very principle behind the engine which powers a country. It is important because it relies on generations of people to come together and decide how best to rule democratically. I would be proud to proclaim myself a democratic politician.
WC: 1944
I'm not a grammar whiz, but your essay is following the prompt. One thing you should do is pick deeper into your thoughts. You boast a lot about your accomplishments, but what you don't do is discuss the significant elements of democracy that appeal to you such as "Democracy is a system where men can voice out their concerns and receive response. Democracy is insurance against unruly dictators."
Most of the essay is boasting which isn't bad, but only when you're not overdoing it. Look at the significant elements of democracy and tell how they appeal to you.
Oh and can you critique mine please? The Yale one.
