Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 2

Pomona Supplement- my trip to Alaska


HBZ 4 / 6  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

July 3, 2005. I had dived headfirst into 'no man's land'. A mistake? Only time could tell.

The journey is still vivid in my head and I can still recall it like no time had passed. What I couldn't quite remember was the reason my parents had for venturing steadfast into the vastness of America's 'Last Frontier. My family and I had boarded a cruise ship at Vancouver Canada set due on Alaska. The cabins were relatively small, just enough space for the four of us to sleep comfortably. The resources on the ship however, seemed to run endlessly. No matter what time of the day it was, there was always something to be done. I sure took advantage of this and was out of my parents hold morning, evening and night. If I wasn't at the kid's "Adventure Club" I was by the poolside- and if it wasn't that, well I'd be preoccupied jiving my younger sister Rashida. Nevertheless, the ship sure did its job at entertaining me.

One thing I do remember wholeheartedly was the food. To think that a ship virtually in the middle of nowhere would have a low quality standard was far from the truth. If you could think it- they had it. I remember one of the harder decisions I had to make was deciding what to eat and when to eat it- diversity was an understatement.

As I stepped out of the ship and onto snow covered grounds - it was surreal. Thinking that going there in the summer as opposed to any other season that the weather would be friendlier was a mistake. Even through the think "winter coat", gloves and even two pairs of socks, I still felt - cold. Of course the first think I wanted to do was visit Santa since I was so close to the North Pole, but was quickly persuaded by my parents into following them elsewhere.

The next stop was the rainforest. We hopped onto a car shuttle and in no time were on our way exploring the flora and fauna of the land. Never before had I seen such beautiful multicolored plants, animals I'd only seen on the discovery channel or at the very least heard of. At one point I swore that I saw a grizzly bear, but was happy to learn it was just an eerie-shaped tree swaying in the biting wind. The mind sure is a powerful tool! After we left, we made way for "iceland".

As I glanced at the glaciers, with the beams of sunlight hitting the ice caps, I began to doubt my eyes. I had found the origin of 'phenomenal' - for that was the only word which could describe the sight. With only observing the beautiful pieces of ice, negative thoughts began to escape my mind and positive ones creep in. They say a picture is worth a thousand words- well this one was worth much more. To think something as simple as the ice we use to cool our drinks and preserve our foods could be so enticing was unbelievable- to this day the image is fresh in my mind.

Not many people can say they have visited Alaska, especially those who live in a completely different climatic zone where such features are none existent. I had ventured into the unknown. Great places and people were discovered, experienced had and dreams fulfilled- all this on 'The Last Frontier'. I can't ever forget -Twenty degrees below room temperature at day and forty five degrees below wind chill at night. Yet, despite the cruel weather- I had fun.

Anticipating replies!
Notoman 20 / 419  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
Here are a few thoughts for you:

July 3, 2005. I had dived headfirst into 'no man's land'. A mistake? Only time could tell.

Generally speaking, in the U.S. we only use single quotation marks when there is quoted material within another quote. We will put words in quotations if we are using that word ironically.

The journey is still vivid in my head and I can still recall it like no time had passed.

You use the present tense here and then then past tense. You use the word "still" twice in this sentence. If you can get rid of as many of the "to be" verbs as you can, the essay will be stronger. Stronger verbs will also take down your word count--taking out the fluff and leaving more room for the meat. Here's one way of rewording: The journey resides vividly in my mind as if no time has passed. Nineteen words down to thirteen.

What I couldn't quite remember was the reason my parents had for venturing steadfast into the vastness of America's 'Last Frontier.

This sentence is a little clunky. Again, pare it down to its essence. There's a stray apostrophe here ... you might have meant it as something to be inclosed in single quotation marks, but you don't need the punctuation in this case. Here's a shorter version: I couldn't quite recall the reason my parents ventured into the vastness of America's Last Frontier. Twenty-one words down to sixteen.

My family and I had boarded a cruise ship at Vancouver Canada set due on Alaska.

We already know that you went to Alaska so you don't need to repeat it here (not that it is wrong, but a denser essay will read better). Put a comma between the city and the country. "Set due" is a bit awkward. Here's a quickie revision: My family boarded an Alaskan-bound cruise ship at Vancouver, Canada. Sixteen words down to eleven and no more passive voice.


Home / Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement- my trip to Alaska