Hi guys, here is my 2nd prompt. Please give me any advice that will make my essay sound better. Remember all criticism is welcomed. Thanks in Advance!
Prompt #2
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I come from a family who believes in helping others as much as possible. Growing up, I always saw my parents helping family, friends, strangers, all kinds of people with things they need. They would help emotionally, spiritually, but they couldn't always help people financially because we never had extra money to spend . I completely admire them for that. My parents taught me to be a nice and caring person who looks out for the needs of others. One experience, that I encountered with two homeless people, was my most memorable helping experience.
One day, as I was driving home from Los Angeles, I saw a homeless man with a little girl standing on the side of the road. They held a sign that said "Please donate, we're hungry!" I have a huge heart for homeless people because I try to think of what I would want people to do for me if I wee in that situation, so I try to help them out as much as possible. So as I saw them, I turned my car around to see what I could do for them. I knew I didn't have a lot of money, but I really wanted to help them out. So instead of just feeling bad for them, I pulled over and asked what would they like from Bakers (the closest fast food restaurant) and her dad said just fries. I couldn't understand why he would just say fries. But knowing that they must have been starving, I decided to get each of them a cheese burger, large fries, and a large drink. When I brought the food to them, it made me feel so happy to see them smile and the happiness in the little girl's eyes. She ran up to me and gave me the biggest huge ever. I knew from that moment, that I made a difference in that little girl's life. The father took me to the side and thanked me and started crying. I gave him a hug and I began to get a little teary-eyed. And as he was crying, I gave him the forty dollars I had in my pocket. He was so thankful and it made me happy to see that I made a difference in someone's life. Although the money I gave him was my lunch money for the next two weeks, I was happy to give it to someone who needed it more than me. Although I was happy to help them, I was also sad to have to leave them behind. But at least I left them with a smile on their face. There is no better feeling than helping someone in need.
I don't know what happened to them after that, but I do know I tried the best I can to help them. I hope they are doing well, and they're getting their life together. I am proud to say I was able to help someone in need. The way I see it is, if I was in that situation, I would want someone to help me too.
This is indeed something to be proud of. I am proud of what you have done!
This essay shows your kindness, which is seriously lacking in the society today, and your willingness to help. However, I think it is a pity to just briefly narrate this experience without giving a chance for us to look at your inner thoughts. While your experience is valuable, it is not unique, not personally enough to attract the attention of the reader.
What I would like to see more is more of your inner thoughts. What motivates you to do this? Can you relate it to your own experience? How else do you feel besides pity? Can you give us some analogy to the kind of pity you are feeling, cuz different people may feel pity for people in different ways. What's your feeling after that besides happy?
I think your essay is meeting the word limit well and you may be finding it hard to cancel anything you have written. However, it you examine it closely, there are some details that do not seem to play out that much. In my opinion, the first paragraph is a completely filler para since you do not have to be a president of something to be kind. It will be actually cooler if you are not, because if not your kindness will not be as nature a reaction since it will be confounded with your own responsibility as a president. Like "you have to be kind to be a president". I am sure that you did it out of your own nature, so don't let this detail downplay the overall impression of you as a person.
You essay has a good starting point. I'd like to see more.
G L~
Aw... I really like your essay and for what you have done. I am currently trying to get into the college that would train me to help these people (and I want to travel to third world countries also). I met a homeless man once too, after we talked for three hours, he had completely changed my perspective and gave me the new goal in life, but unfortunately that he passed away. I really do hope that you will get into the college you want.
