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UC Prompt 1: K-pop


colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 20, 2009   #1
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I'm not sure if my response to this prompt is what UC will accept =/ Some people have said things like "this is fine because that's your world right now and has been for a while" - and others say that "they want family or community background, things you grew up with". I figured the prompt was worded broadly enough for my topic to fit...

Any feedback would be eternally appreciated!

-----------------------------------------

When I was twelve years old, a friend from school introduced me to the overwhelming and thrilling world of "k-pop". Korean music did not quite appeal to me at first, but soon enough the fast-paced entertainment had sung its way into my life and heart. My world was transformed as I delved into a deliciously foreign experience, and my true ambitions were dramatically altered.

Coming from strict Indian families, my parents were initially quite unpleased with my foray into a very new realm. People around me did not understand my seemingly random fascination with Asian music, and I was constantly made fun of for appreciating something that to them was bizarre and awkward. Despite the lack of acceptance, I decided that I would not hide my k-pop affairs in shame, but rather use them to positively influence my life and those of others.

At school, I co-founded the Asian Cultural Exchange club, through which I reached out to the students that were willing to expand their horizons as well. My parents and peers warmed up and began to support my endeavors when they realized how much more focused my goals had become. I fell urgently and irreversibly in love with the idea of positively transforming others' perceptions of foreign cultures. Going to events like the Korean Music Festival fuelled my ambition to facilitate awareness and share my love of k-pop with the world. I would like to someday run a travel agency through which I can bridge cultural divides by allowing everyone to transcend their societal, cultural, and traditional boundaries - just as I had done when I turned to Asian music as an unconventional outlet for expression.

K-pop has made me realize that when I go out in the world, I will help people because I do not want them to conform. To be restricted by the expectations of society would tear me apart. Just as Korean and other foreign music have given me the opportunity to express myself shamelessly, I would like to provide the less privileged with journeys into such beautifully unconventional worlds. Everyone deserves to be free in their beliefs, curiosities, and knowledge - and I want to promote that as much as possible. If ever I give someone that sense of freedom, even for a fleeting yet cherished moment, I will feel worthwhile. These days, some still call me a "wannabe", but I know that I am just lucky enough to have found passion and direction in a very unlikely, yet exhilarating environment. As I sit here in my room listening to the latest k-pop release on my iPod, posters of famous Asian celebrities crookedly taped on the wall, I hungrily anticipate the cultural wonders that life has to offer - and that I will use to carve a place in my diverse and changing world.
Rowa 5 / 15  
Nov 20, 2009   #2
The idea of your essay is really nice, but I think you need to make it more exciting.

You introduction is the most important paragraph in your essay...make it more attention grabbing..maybe you can qoute a Korean song or something like that..

Also, your conclusion must be more exciting too. Say something that can stay in the heart of the reader forever...

But I don't think I can see YOU! I don't see how this has shaped you...try to really be yourself when writing...
kldini 12 / 62  
Nov 21, 2009   #3
You are responding to the prompt with every word of your essay. I mean it is your community, family and friends what are shaping your aspirations, just as you mentioned in the entire piece.

Remember that UCs look for 'who is unique' (I think your essay expresses you as unique).

I would make some changes to make it more entertaining; maybe adding something like lyrics just as ROWA says or use some literary devices to make your essay richer in content...

Be yourself when writing!
OP colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 21, 2009   #4
Thank you both very much!
@ Aldo: I'm glad I seem unique to you haha [: that was my intent.

I'll try my best to make this more entertaining and original on a whole!
asianbaybay 1 / 10  
Nov 21, 2009   #5
I like your essay and it does answer the prompt but i think you should descirbe yourself more. This essay is about how k-pop changed you but be more specific on who you were and how your changed. This is a interesting topic, i haven't read anything like this before so go all out with it.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 22, 2009   #6
interesting topic indeed. "wannabe" meant to be a allusion to epik high? hehe MV is pro.
notes about a few words: altered, unpleased <try to use more positive words? displeased is grammatically correct.

intro's last sentence needs some work, show more how your world changed.

"..I was constantly made fun of for appreciating something that to them was bizarre and awkward."
awkward sentence. change to:...they constantly made fun of me for appreciating a culture that was both bizarre and awkward to them.

Good luck with your app!
OP colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 22, 2009   #7
@ Asianbaybay (haha nice namee) - thanks for the suggestions! I just didn't talk about myself as a developing person because I thought "tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations" meant that I would have to gear this more towards my environment's influence on me. I will definitely consider putting a bit more of who I am into this [: OH and you don't know how nice it is to hear that my topic is interesting, kinda made my day :D

@ Aldo: haha off to do so right now.

@ meisjOn - OMG YES. Thank you for getting the reference xD Epik High is amazing (I met them in person when they were on their MTS tour earlier this year!). Thanks for the advice about the wording, I figured a lot of this is still slightly awkward. [[:

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New intro:
""I have a rather big dream, 'cause I can do whatever I want with the world" the words of "Fire" by 2NE1 blared through my alarm clock as I groggily awoke, ready to start another musically diverse day. Five years ago, a friend introduced me to the overwhelming k-pop industry and permanently transformed my world. Korean music didn't appeal to me at first, but soon enough the thrilling entertainment had sung its way into my life and heart. I jumped into a deliciously foreign experience and my ambitions have since been dramatically impacted." (<- will work on this last sentence)
nkhattri 6 / 33  
Nov 28, 2009   #8
Sorry for the delayed response!

Coming from strict Indian families, my parents were initially quite unpleased with my foray into a very new realm. People around me did not understand my seemingly random fascination with Asian music, and I was constantly made fun of for appreciating something that to them was bizarre and awkward. Despite the lack of acceptance, I decided that I would not hide my k-pop affairs in shame, but rather use them to positively influence my life and those of others.

* Because my parents were strict, they were initially unpleased with my foray into a very new realm.
* I was constantly teased for appreciating..
* Despite this* lack of acceptance

Going to events like the Korean Music Festival fuelled my ambition to facilitate awareness and share my love of k-pop with the world BECAUSE?...
-- add as an explanation as to WHY.

*outlet for expression
outlet OF expression.
dbsqudtlr 4 / 22  
Nov 28, 2009   #9
Nice essay :)
I am a Korea myself and I have a spanish friend who is really into K-pop!
Her family thinks she's weird but she continues to listen to it.
It seems like the people above have already given you more than what I could edit.
But, nice essay and keep k-poping! :)
OP colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 28, 2009   #10
Thanks for the help, Naveena (:

haha will do Eric!

BTW. I wrote a completely NEW essay for UC 1.
It's still about k-pop, but... more related to my world.
Here it is! This is my final version lol, so if you see any glaring mistakes, please point them out... otherwise, I think I'm done fixing it xD

----------

I began to resent the community get-togethers. "Is she listening to that silly music again?" I heard my friends' mothers rattling openly while sipping chai tea, pretending as if they had asked a harmless question. Turning on the latest Korean pop release on my iPod, I drowned out the disapproving Bengali women's voices. For five years, the same issue has been tossed around at parties, with my mom giving the routine answer - "Yes, I don't know what we'll do with this habit of hers."

When I first began listening to Korean music, or "k-pop", my parents acted as if I was engaging in some highly taboo activity. For them, Korean culture had no place in my world of Bengali tradition. They began to question where they had gone wrong- why I wasn't content with the settled Indian life they had worked hard to establish. At first they figured I was going through a rebellious pre-teen stage, perhaps the result of watching one too many Bollywood movies.

In truth, I had discovered that I couldn't get through life by floating ignorantly in my little Indian bubble. I was not fond of my parents' desire to adhere strictly to tradition, and instead set out to explore what was beyond my immediate scope. When I found k-pop, it was so deliciously foreign that I fell irreversibly in love.

Yet, this newfound passion came with harsh consequences; a month after I downloaded my first Asian song, the entire community had begun to talk about it. As is commonplace in Bengali society, once one mother found out about the "unhealthy obsession", another ten people were soon in on the news. For a while, I was seen as the awkward girl who was rejecting her own heritage.

Many years have passed since my k-pop affairs first caused a ripple in the Indian community. I am no longer a social pariah, and my family now tolerates my musical preferences. By going to the annual Korean Music Festival and being an officer in my school's Asian club, I energetically continue to promote awareness of international music. Although my mother still gives that expected response whenever questioned, my parents have finally learned to appreciate the cultural diversity I brought into my home.

In the future, I want to contribute to society by working for a business that allows everyone to transcend their societal, traditional, and intellectual boundaries - just as I have by turning to Korean music as an unconventional outlet for expression. Even if I can never fully change my Bengali community's cultural perceptions, I want to do so for other people. Although some still frown upon my convictions, I know that I am lucky to have found direction in a very exhilarating environment.
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 28, 2009   #11
hahaha. nice remake of the intro.
They began to question where they had gone wrong- <instead of question, ask?>
I guess "Bengali community" is used well enough, just maybe there was one too many.
good though. it presents more about you while keeping with that theme. no more wannabe Koreans xD
OP colorfuloving 6 / 31  
Nov 28, 2009   #12
loll I'm glad you like (:

Genius me forgot to check up on this site before submitting my application sooo what's up there is what the adcom will get, and I can't take your great suggestions D: at least it's all done and over with. now comes the agony of waiting x__x


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