I'm just trying to get a little feedback about my essays, any help will be greatly appreciated.
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
Silence, all eyes are on me. I try to block them out, but it seems impossible. I know that they are all pulling for me, yet I feel the pressure all the same. This quiet is unnatural; especially for these people that I know so well. This will not be my first attempt, but will hopefully be a success nonetheless. As I gradually begin to move the needle closer to my arm, my hand begins to tremble. I think to myself, "Persistence is the key." Shimmering under the fluorescent lighting, the needle pierces through my skin, a process I am so familiar with that I hardly feel it. "Just a little bit further." As the metal slowly begins to disappear into my arm, I feel a small amount of pressure. A short line of blood begins to rise up through the tube connecting the needle to the syringe. "I did it."
Hemophilia, a rare disorder in which one of several clotting factors needed for the blood to clot is missing, has been a life-long rival of mine. At an early age, I had to learn to perform my own infusions to issue my medication. While learning to do so, I had to maintain a completely positive attitude in order to properly and consecutively position a needle into my vein. Enduring this process, I believe, has made me a better person. From my diagnosis at eight days old to the present, I have been a positive individual. I have always attempted to keep an optimistic attitude around my peers, and take pride in having the ability to make friends with a very wide assortment of people. When meeting new people, I tend to look past their flaws and focus on their qualities, ultimately helping me to gain more personal relationships.
If I were given the opportunity to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I would bring along with me my positive attitude as I move toward my ultimate goal of becoming a journalist.
Tell us about your academic goals, circumstances that may have had an impact on your academic performance, and, in general, anything else you would like us to know in making an admission decision.
If given the chance to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison, I plan on majoring in journalism as I have always been an avid reader and writer. David Sheff's memoir, Beautiful Boy, has inspired me to follow a career in which I can be creative. His story, a sorrowing tale of his son's addiction to methamphetamine, greatly affected me.
As a result, I have begun writing poetry during my free time, and have started writing whatever comes to mind that I may wish to record later. Also, during both my sophomore and junior years, I have written for the annual Student Play Festival which my school holds. This is a completely student run performance in which five or six short plays are selected for production. Of the two that I have submitted, both have been accepted and performed. One entails the mischief of schoolchildren towards their teacher, while the other takes a more serious path and deals with a wife's misfortune of losing her son and husband. I will also write for this year's production, as it is something I enjoy a great deal.
As I progress through college, I hope to expand on my writing ability. I am confident that, if given the opportunity, I will be able to do this at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
Enduring this process, I believe, has made me a better person. ----> I bet you are right!! How difficult that must have been. I tried getting used to using cntact lenses, which must be a lot easier, and I couldn't do it!! :)
Oh, you are a poet! No wonder I could not find any mistakes in your writing. You can sense how good structure should be. And you write with rhythm! Very good... I think you need a few more sentences in the last para of that first one, though! Tell an example to back up the claim. Maybe you have used your insight from the infusions to ... to help someone adjust to having to do something similar, or to help someone get over the fear of needles. You could give an example to show that you applied the insight you got.
You also needed to use a special state of mind. You needed to say"yes" to the present moment. Write some more about having to keep a positive attitude...
