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The possibility of me fully exploring my passions in computer science and the visual arts

cwashu 2 / 3  
Dec 27, 2014   #1
Feedback please!

NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)

I like to think of myself as a global citizen, defined as someone who identifies herself/himself as part of the global community and who seeks to benefit the larger society. NYU's great location and its eclectic student body are things that would allow me to interact with people from different cultures and backgrounds during my college experience. With the diversity of students on campus and the study abroad programs across the world, I would truly be able to immerse myself in different cultures, something that I previously have not been able to do to any great extent.

The thing that most excites me about becoming a NYU student is the possibility of me fully exploring my passions in computer science and the visual arts. I aspire to better the world using my intended major of computer science. It took me the duration of my high school career to realize what I wanted to do: combine my love of the visual arts and technology to create video games. My ultimate goal would be to create games that are used for virtual reality therapy (VRT), which would help to treat patients with psychological disorders who would normally go untreated. At the Games Innovation Lab, I look forward to engaging in projects like SensoriMotor rehabilitator, a current project for VRT. One thing that NYU can give to me is the strong basis in programming and game design. Unlike other schools who may split the arts and computer science, being able to cross-register and minor in game design at NYU will make me feel like I fully lived up to my educational potential.

I think it is most important that I can offer NYU my leadership skills and creativity. I want to join different organizations such as Engineers Without Borders and the National Society of Black Engineers. In these organizations, I would like to offer my leadership skills to give back to the school's community and the global community. I would want to add to the already growing community of students who dabble in visual arts and STEM and eventually create a club that is specifically for technology students interested in the fine arts. Overall, I am enthusiastic about the possibility of becoming an NYU student, and I would love to be one of the future global leaders educated on this campus.
EmelyMorales 4 / 12 3  
Dec 27, 2014   #2
I really like it, though, I think from the second half it is much better. The first part seems overly done and cliche. I would suggest talking about what you want to do (your video game) and then throughout that, mention how NYU can this influence you. Your second half is very well done. The first part does not do it as much justice, even though it is very nicely written. Really hope you get to accomplish what you want to do, because it seems like something very innovative and just great :)

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