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So many possible career paths for me, whether it's educating or working as a pro bono family lawyer

lauren492 2 / 5  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
I'm in the process of developing a conclusion of sorts but just wanted some help in determining if I'm on the right track as far as having the essay flow and what not. any help would be greatly appreciated. !:)

French novelist Anatole France wrote: "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't." What don't you know?

I'm sure that were she given the chance, my mother would be able to provide you a much longer list of what I do not know, in fact most of my time is spent by asking and learning from her. Realistically speaking I do know that from this point on, my life will become indefinitely more challenging but one of the things I do know is that life never gives you the challenges that you expect-it gives you the ones you don't. The ones that end up consuming most of your time- for example pursing my education will definitely be a long term challenge but it is one I look most forward to. Having come from very modest means, I know that I wouldn't be writing this letter were it not for the fact that through the sacrifices of my parents I have been fortunate to attend schools that allowed me to blossom academically and individually. It is because of their sacrifices I have been able to succeed in ways that are not readily available to millions in our world today. Like many other applicants, I do not know whether I will be one of the lucky few to be accepted into Brown nor do I know what tomorrow holds but I know that I am going to pour all I possibly can into making sure that I give the best I possibly can. (Really thinking about just omitting this sentence. Bleh.)

I feel so very strongly about so many possible career paths whether it's educating our nations future musicians, doctors and leaders, aiding families medically as a traveling pediatrician or as a pro bono family lawyer that I do not know what I will become. While these all may seem like a naive students idealistic approach to help the world, I believe that with the help of Brown's liberal approach to education I will be able to explore these avenues and determine where I would be most needed.

nogasa 14 / 37  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
Alright, your essay is good and it has potential, it just needs to be fixed up.

The prompt asks simply "what don't you know?"

Your essay first describes what you do know, which kinda goes against the prompt, as you say you know life is challenging and that you are lucky to be where you are today.

Then you start talking about how your parents sacrificed for you and how you owe them, but that doesn't relate to the prompt at all.

Then you say after that that you don't know what you want to become as long as it helps the world. While you are finally relating to the prompt, it kind of comes out of nowhere and has little substance behind it.

Then you say that with Brown's help you can accomplish your dreams and goals, which doesn't relate to the prompt.

Your essay needs to be more streamlined to fit the prompt; the part about how you don't know what you want to be works well, but you need to expand on that. The part about your parents, and the part about you needing Brown don't really need to be there.

Sorry if i came off as harsh, and good luck with your admission!
OP lauren492 2 / 5  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
I agree, to be honest I just kind of threw it together in an hour so it is very sporadic.

but nevertheless, thanks for the feedback!

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