The end of the school year signaled one thing: liberation. Finally, I would be free from the reign of my parents, free to eat any available junk food, free to stay awake past 2 A.M. For the last two summers, my freedom materialized in the form of educational trips to Paris, France and Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
In 2010, I lived, worked and played in the "City of Lights," attending OxBridge Academic's L'Academie de Paris. I chose Creative Writing to perfect my writing skills. This class lead me to explore new writing styles such as prose poetry, cubists poems and missing 'e' text. Writing in the homes of legendaries Victor Hugo, Honorè de Balzac and the cafes Hemingway and James Baldwin once graced presented a highlight of my literary tour. In Film in France, I gained expertise in the French New Wave cinema movement and produced films featuring improvisational acting. At the theater La Filmothèque, a viewing of the classic Alfred Hitchcock movie "The Wrong Man" and director Jean-Luc Godard's "Breathless" left me breathless. During my free time, I tramped down unknown streets like a native Parisian to boulangeries, patisseries and lost corners.
Once again free, a year later as a member of the Summer Academy for Math and Science, I lived on the campus of Carnegie Mellon University. Here, I was introduced to Mr. Rolle and Mr. l'Hopital of the famous Rolle's Theorem and l'Hopital's Rule. In English, I wrote two essays for college admission and silly poems on my hatred of potato salad and chitterlings (pig intestines). Using digital forensics to recover data from compact discs and computer hard drives, I studied the habits of individuals through timestamps and hacked passwords. Ruined by the memories of my sophomore biology class, I reluctantly took Biotechnology. My dread soon morphed into awe as the understanding of the biological make-up of genetically modified foods absorbed my brain. Each summer, I re-entered under the watchful eye of my parents with new interests and increased confidence.
1. I really love your essay. It's fresh, articulate, and well-written but still shows enough of your personality without sounding too scripted.
2. I think that it's awesome that you had the chance to go to Paris, I am extremely jealous.
3. While Paris is awesome, is there any way you could scale back on some of the details without losing the feeling of your essay? I think there might be a way if you spend some time cutting and wording things creatively. I'm only suggesting this because I feel that your paragraph on Paris is significantly larger than the one on your summer in Pittsburgh.
4. As stated earlier, I think that it would be beneficial to try your best to rearrange things in order to give you more words for your conclusion. It's good, but I can tell by the way you write that it can be amazing! Maybe you can try re-wording it and saying something along the lines of you entering back into submission or strict expectations, but with your own new interests and an increased confidence in your abilities... I think you'll work it out.
Good luck with your essays, I know deadlines are coming up really fast, but I hope this helps!
I chose Creative Writing to perfect my writing communication skills .
Make this a bit less repetitive.
presented a highlight of my literary tour.
What about it highlighted your tour? Why were they exciting to you?
I re-entered under the watchful eye of my parents
This is the first time you mention your parents; it kind of threw me off. Maybe change the last sentence to show that you take advantage of all opportunities presented to you, or something about your activism or lust for learning, even if it's something you didn't enjoy in the past.
Overall, I think this is a strong essay. Add in some more connections/your own thought, and it'll be perfect.
Good luck!
