Hello fellow Essayforum members. I wanted to receive some feedback about my essay and if it fits the criteria.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
-thanks in advance.
We have all certainly heard at some point about people who reach the end of their lives and regret the fact that they never took any risks, and that they never challenged life. Andre Gide once said, "Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." Risks make us grow in many ways; they help us to mature and to learn and to become stronger, wiser people than we were before we took the risk. In particular, one ...
after edits:
One event in my life that involved taking a risk had a tremendous impact on me, because it made me realize that some risks are worth not taking, but also opened my eyes to show me that some risks that are not taken can be just as bad. On January 23, 2008, My friend and I drove to Hunter Mountain for some intense skiing sessions. We strapped on all of our gear, and got ready to set out on one of the most supposedly exciting days of our lives. But, that's not what was in store for me.
My friend had been nagging the whole time about the terrain park. The terrain park consisted of jumps, rails, and a huge half pipe. He wanted to ski down this slope under one condition, if it was with me. I was strictly against going onto the terrain park. After seeing people wipe out on rails and crack their helmets open, I swore to myself that I would never go on. The right side of my brain was saying that it was a bad idea, while the left kept telling me that it would be a cool experience. So I took the risk. I decided to go on the terrain park because it was something I had to try sooner or later. I executed my decision and went onto the lift.
The ski ride down was amazing. I managed to get decent air over a couple jumps and then rode up to a box. I grinded down the box like it was nothing. This was my first grind I had ever done. I was psyched. After we skied down the rest of the slope we sat down onto the snow and felt accomplished. But, I wanted more. I wanted to go back to the box and grind it again. This is where my decision making skills went terribly wrong. . We skied down to the box. I prepared myself and propped up on to the box. I slid down the box and as I was preparing to jump off I leaned forward too much and lost my center of gravity. I pummeled into the snow face first with the ski pole right under me and all I saw was white. I heard a devastating crack and I knew that something went terribly wrong. I let out one of the most vicious screams as I laid on the sub zero snow unable to move. Allen quickly ran down to me. Thankfully, I crew of mountain patrol medics were right behind us. "Help! My friend is seriously hurt! Over here! Hurry!" Allen yelled out as I laid on the ice screaming helplessly. I turned to lie on my back. I gave Allen my phone and told him to call my parents."Hi, Dmitri? Yea, Boris just hurt himself pretty bad. Yea, he's in a lot of pain. We'll meet you by the lodge." Allen said to my father. My hands were beginning to become numb.
I squirmed around on the snow like a worm. The pain was excruciating. The medic helped me stand up and assessed me. A sharp pain was coming from the area of my shoulder. I knew that I had definitely broken something. The medic told me to raise my arm as high as I could. As I started to raise it, I heard grinding sounds and then felt a sharp pain as if I took a jack hammer to the shoulder. Tears started to roll down my cheek. I felt really bad and everything started to black out. I was about to faint. I asked the medic if I could lie back down on the snow until the sled came down to transport me. As I lay down the pain soothed, as the snow acted as an anesthetic.
The medic strapped me into a sled that felt like a sleeping bag. "I'll meet you at the bottom. Stay strong." Allen said. I felt like a totaled car being towed down the slope by a snow mobile. My guilty conscience had started to set in. I should have listened to my parents. I had no business of going onto the terrain park, especially a second time. If only I had listened. The ride to the lodge was so smooth and relaxing. It was as if I was lying in a cozy sleeping bag. I closed my eyes to relax a little. As we pulled up to the lodge, I opened my eyes and saw my parents hovering above me. I had frozen tears on my cheek. The look on my parents face was disappointed.
I was wheeled into the emergency room. The doctor said that I had dislocated my collar bone. It was a huge sigh of relief that I hadn't broken anything until he said that the bone might have tangled up important arteries running next to it and that I needed to get an MRI to see if any arteries were damaged. I was loaded into my parent's car, and we were back to crappy Brooklyn. I remained confined to my computer chair for the next week, because it was too painful to sleep lying down, so I had to sleep sitting up.
This whole experience brought to my attention that one must enter a risk with their eyes wide open and be fully aware of the potential problems that could arise as results of their risk-taking. I figured out that when one's faced with an opportunity to take a risk, it is wise to go over the risk and possible outcomes, because a risk not taken can be just as disastrous as a poorly considered risk. I have learned that risks have the potential to be our greatest teachers, our strongest benefactors, and our best friends. It all depends on how we approach them.
Hi Boris!
In your first paragraph, you seem to be telling the reader why risks are important, and this is not at all relevant to this essay. Always try to stick to the prompt.
The second and third paragraph are similarly unimportant. There's no point is talking about background stuff. Just start the essay from the experience itself.
The fourth too.
In your sixth paragraph you get to the point.
The rest looks good.
Okay, my advice would be -- limit the words you use describing the setting.
Your essay is very long for my liking. I don't think an AO reading scores of essays in one day would appreciate such length.
Hi.
I will have agree that the essay is too long and too much of them are background information that the essay can live without. Your friend's birthday did not really come into play as a important detail, neither the fun you previously had.
You experience sounds really exciting, maybe you may want to elaborate more on what you have learned and talk about how it have change your approach to the world. Some solid decisions you have made based on this experience will be nice.
G L~
In particular, One event in my life that involved me taking a risk had a tremendous impact on me, because it made me realize ____________ (tell the "moral of the story").
This kind of sentence is supposed to have commas:
My friend, Allen, and I were on our way to our... --- but the commas make the sentence clunky, so I think the name is actually not necessary:
My friend and I were on our way to our...---- there, that is sleek.
I squirmed around on the snow like a worm. --- excellent sentence!
It all depends on how we approach them.
--- this is a cliche. You write very well, and this is great, but I wonder if you can derive something even more meaningful from this. Can you look even more deeply? A thoughtful person will notice something, but a VERY thoughtful person will notice many things.
A profound person will make an observation and then take action based on the truth uncovered by these new insights.
Your writing is already good, but I wonder if you will reread this and realize something profound that you should be sharing with the reader.
Well thanks for the insight.
I have currently revised the essay a bit, and wanted to know if it was improved. Thanks in advance.
No need for a comma when you have 2 verbs like this:
We strapped on all of our gear and got ready ...
I felt like a totaled car being towed down the slope by a snow mobile. ----- I like this sentence.
Yes, this essay is looking good. I am impressed...
:-)
