Please, I need some feedback on my essay. My parents don't like it. But i really do, I know it needs to be polished up, so any advice?
-[b]Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Poverty. The state of one who lacks a usual or socially acceptable amount of money or material possessions. According to the World Bank, about 22% of the world's population fits that definition with a $1.25 income or lower per day. Being a first generation Indian American, I have frequently visited India. However, it isn't as flashy and vivacious as they portray in Bollywood. It can be a place of desolate hopelessness and misery if one just looks at the pile of bones, skin, and faded rags that lay on the sides of streets. The sight of homeless and impoverished children and elders can strike empathy in even the most callous of hearts. These visits to India have helped to shape some of my future dreams to help the needy and also the steps I have taken in my high school years
One vivid encounter that helped to shape my ideas was the first time I ever came face to face with a beggar at the age of eight. My family and I were driving in a car to a popular Indian cinema. As we stopped at a light, there was a tapping on my window and I looked to my right directly into the sunken eyes of a poor old man. Only, one of his eyes seemed to have been burnt, perhaps by a cigarette near the pupil. His skinny limbs and his amputated arm were a grim reminder of the hardships that he had endured. His white-bearded dark face spoke volumes about his experiences and endless days in the sun while his ragged gray shirt and faded blue-checkered cloth wrapped around his lower body showed his impoverished state. His silver tin pan glinted in the sunlight as he desperately asked for a few coins. I wanted to help the man by giving him a few rupees, but my parents said not to roll down the window and to stay put. The light turned green and I watched the poor old man hobble back over to his corner in the street waiting for the next round of people to stop at the light and hopefully receive money for a meal. Nobody cared about that man. People had their own business to attend to, let alone give some of their hard earned money to a "cripple".
It was disheartening to see how people treat beggars, as if they are an annoyance and subhuman. If people won't help their fellow citizens then who will?
The face of that man always comes up whenever I give a dollar, or throw away leftover food. That same food and money could have gone to that man to afford three square meals, something so many take for granted. Going to India, seeing the real world outside of my little Michigan suburban bubble, helped shape me into the responsible and considerate world citizen that I have become and will always remain.
hi, bobino23, in my opinion, your essay is out of order. i guess that the first paragraph is a abstract or summary of what feel and experience, however, it lacks feeling and organizations.
you expand a theme when you talk about the poverty. and in 2nd paragraph, you give too much details on that beggar.
this is my opinion on your essay.
poverty, in dictionary, is a state of one who lacks a usual or socially acceptable amount of money or material possessions. in statics according to world bank, it means that 22% of the world's population fits that definition with a $1.25 income or lower per day. however, as a first generation Indian American I visit India frequently, but it is the first time that i profoundly realized what poverty meant when i saw a beggar at the age of eight in India. this experience helped me to shape some of my future dreams to help the needy and also the steps I have taken in my high school years. i could never forget it !
it is a day that ~~~~
this is just my opinion, you could combine your own ideas and polish your words. good luck for u!
Hello Bobby!
Poverty. The state of one who lacks a usual or socially acceptable amount of money or material possessions. According to the World Bank, about 22% of the world's population fits that definition with a $1.25 income or lower per day. -> These sentences are too 'Wikipedian', you know ^^
Going to India, seeing the real world outside of my little Michigan suburban bubble, helped shape me into the responsible and considerate world citizen that I have become and will always remain.-> You should definitely write about how your experience with the beggar helped you shape the person you are today. Through your essay, I can't see you or what you have done to become 'the responsible and considerate world citizen'. Also, a world citizen is something, wow, too big ^^
The description of the beggar is good, but if you provided more detail to your reaction of the man it could add more depth to the essay. I agree that it lacks some organization, but otherwise I understand and appreciate the idea you're trying to portray.
Hey guys, I played around with it a little, but its about 125 words too long, where do you think I can cut some stuff out. I know one good place would be those descriptions, but I don't know where exactly. Also, any other edits you would make?
Poverty, in the dictionary, is a state of one who lacks a usual or socially acceptable amount of money or material possessions. According to the World Bank statically, it means that 22% of the world's population fits that definition with a $1.25 income or lower per day. Being an Indian American, I visit a third world country frequently, but the first time I profoundly understood what poverty meant was when I came face to face with a beggar at age eight. This experience helped me to shape some of my future dreams to help the needy and also the steps I have taken in my high school years. It is one moment that will forever be imprinted in my head.
My family and I were driving in a car to a popular Indian cinema. As we stopped at a light, there was a tapping on my window and I looked to my right directly into the sunken eyes of a poor old man. Only, one of his eyes seemed to have been burnt, perhaps by a cigarette near the pupil. His skinny limbs and his amputated arm were a grim reminder of the hardships that he had endured. His white-bearded dark face spoke volumes about his experiences and endless days in the sun while his ragged gray shirt and faded blue-checkered cloth wrapped around his emaciated lower body showed his impoverished state. The infamous silver begging pan glinted in the sunlight as the old man desperately asked for a few coins. I wanted to help the man by giving him a few rupees (Indian currency), but my parents said not to roll down the window and to stay put. The light turned green and I watched the poor old man hobble back over to his corner in the street waiting for the next round of people to stop at the light and hopefully receive money for a meal. But, nobody cared about that man. People had their own business to attend to, let alone give some of their hard earned money and time to a "cripple".
It was disheartening to see how people treat beggars, as if they are an annoyance and subhuman. If people won't help their fellow citizens then who will?
When I got back from that trip, I seemed to have trouble "forgetting" the face of that man. Whenever I threw away leftover food, the ringing of the few coins in his tin pan echoed in my head, and I always kept thinking, "I could have given him this fruit, or this piece of chicken." That man instilled in me a desire to care for those in need like I have to fulfill a moral and social obligation. I remember telling my parents that I wanted to help sick and poor people when I grew up and my parents responding with nods and little smiles of encouragement whenever I talked about it, like most parents do.
But, I remember vividly when I was asked in elementary school what I wanted to be when I grew up. I responded a doctor. When questioned why, I said because I want to help people, and as a doctor I can help people in ways not everyone can.
As I started to grow older, I realized that I could help people even as a teenager. I became an active member in my Boy Scout Troop participating in various canned food and clothes drives. I joined Impact Club, a club dedicated solely to community service and helping those in need, and have been a member for four years. I went and volunteered at soup kitchens, always trying to drag along a friend or a few fellow Boy Scouts. I volunteered at a hospital and was delighted to find that I genuinely enjoy helping patients, even if it's a small thing such as fluffing their pillow, or getting a glass of Orange Juice.
I've began to dream even bigger. If I ever do become a doctor, I want to participate in programs such as Doctors Without Borders where I can care for impoverished people who otherwise would have no access to medical care.
It might not be an ordinary passion, but it's one I take pride in and never get irked by or bored of and much of it is attributed to that single moment I came face to face with that poor man.
