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'Poverty and luxuries of America' - community essay issue


AzizZ 2 / 24 1  
Nov 22, 2012   #1
My instructer assigned us to write about an issue that the community suffer from or worry about. I wrote about homelessness by she refuse to take it .she said i have to write about something very close to me like problems with my neighbors ( the drink or something ) i am big time confused i dont know what to write about. Any suggestions please do i need to turn in this paper its the last chance i have to get my points

Thank you

And Happy ThanksGiving
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Nov 22, 2012   #2
1. Unemployment rate
2. imbalance between income and living cost; inflation rate
3. Addiction to ecstasy, Alcohol, the Internet, etc.
4. Low level of parents' awareness on the importance of their children psychological issues
5. Increase in divorce rate
6. Violence in schools
7. Negative influences of Facebook on people's relationship

Does this help?
OP AzizZ 2 / 24 1  
Nov 22, 2012   #3
I want to write about poverty and how people still suffers from it either back in my country or here in Los Angeles where i live at this is so far what i wrote any correction or addition please do help me

Mahatma Gandhi once said,"Poverty is the worst form of violence" he wanted to raise awarnes for the struggles of poverty. Millions are suffering to this day, from the heartbreaking epidemic. poverty is something that is affecting many country in the world. Putting an end to poverty should be the top priority of everyone in our present day.

I moved to America couple years ago and i am living in the luxuries of America.Advanced technology to an execes of resources that are available. I am not rich but i am ok , i am able to go to school but my brothers and friends can't i still remmeber the struggles i faced as a child. My parents strugles to keep food on table. Father was a handy man paid well below minimum wage , my mother wasn't working. i recall night where i would go to sleep hungry because there was no food. It always amused me when i see peoply throw even the smallest thing such as a pencil when the eraser or the lead ran out because i had one pencil per semester and if i lost it i would have to borrow it from my brothers or friends i think from my experience i learned to treat the little thingd i posses with respect
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 22, 2012   #4
For us it is not clear what your instructor expects; May be she is asking you to write about some problem in your community where you too have become a victim.

It seems you are going to talk about the poverty and its effects on your life. : )

I moved to America couple of years ago and i am living inenjoying the luxuries of America now.

Advanced technology to an execes of resources that are available.

- ----------- this sentence is a bit confusing.... what do you mean?

I am not rich but i am ok ,doing fine.iI am able to go to school but my brothers and friends can't i still remmeberdo not have much sense about the struggles iI faced as a child.

--------- You better break this sentence at that point and start a new on. Also when you say your siblings do not remember the past, tell the reason for that to the reader.
OP AzizZ 2 / 24 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #5
Thank you for revising my essay and about your question if the essay is finished no i still need to break it apart to three body paragraph and close it wotj a conclusion any help on that ill apreciate it i suck in english
rayray 1 / 5  
Nov 23, 2012   #6
You have some good ideas, but your grammar is all over the place. Maybe you need to proofread it yourself first because sometimes it is not clear what you are trying to say. I did the first paragrph for you.

Mahatma Gandhi once said,"Poverty is the worst form of violence" he wanted to raise peoleawareness for the struggles of poverty. This is a run-on sentence. Try to break it up into two sentences.

Millions are suffering to this day, from this heartbreaking epidemic. Poverty is a crucial issue affecting my community in many ways: kids with wearing torn clothes cannot pursue their education after highschool, and have to do anything from lefting (lifting?) cases for others or delivering products for others just to earn a couple cents . Putting an end to poverty should be the top priority of everyone in our present day.

Also, "alot" is TWO words: a lot. If this is a formal paper, you should not use "you" or any form of it in your essay. As for making it three body paragraphs, isn't it already a three body paragraph essay with an intro and conclusion? In addition, the essay will flow better if you move up the second body paragraph so that it is after the introduction.

Good luck!
OP AzizZ 2 / 24 1  
Nov 23, 2012   #7
rayray
Hey i did some changes as u said and to clarify what i am trying to write about, is about an issue in my community do you think i am in the right path?

Mahatma Gandhi once said,"Poverty is the worst form of violence." He wanted to raise awareness for the struggles of poverty.Millions are suffering to this day, from this heartbreaking epidemic. Poverty is a crucial issue affecting my community in many ways: kids wearing torn clothes, students cannot pursue their education after highschool, and have to do anything from lifting cases for others or delivering products for others just to earn a couple cents . Putting an end to poverty should be the top priority of everyone in our present day.

I still remember the struggles I faced as a child . My parents struggled to keep food on table. My father was a handy man paid well below minimum wage , and my mother was a housewife so she really cannot help financially . i recall night where i would go to sleep hungry because there was no food.This was not only my situation but it was a common situation in my whole nighborhood which it suffers from. Unfortunatly many if them they still in that situation of poverty and they do not have enough even for a meal.

I immigrated from Morocco to America a couple of years ago and i am now living in the luxuries of America.Advanced technology and the variety of services. Everything is available for all people with different financial circumstances and social classes.I am not rich but i am doing fine. I am able to presue my dream of getting a college degree but as for my brothers and friends back home,they are not as fortunate as me due to their situation of having no money or support.

It always amused me when i see people throw away even the smallest thing such as a pencil when the eraser or the lead ran out because i had one pencil per semester and if i lost it i would have to borrow it from my brothers or friends i think from my experience i learned to treat the little things i posses with alot of respect. Also when the start of the school year you would encounter all the student in their new clothes , all happy due to that is the only time in the year that our parent buy us a new clothes. Lately Aljazerra reported that " The king Muhammed 6 of Morocco sent aid to the Palestian people, to help them in their cause." i am not against that but come on your people are struglen not even for couple day , they are really in need so you should put them in your priority aid list before you think of others

Poverty is a big issue that we suffer from We should find a very urgent solution or we will not progress and our brothers, sisters and kill die of hunger and they will hit a dead end in their education.
suzeroonie 3 / 17 1  
Nov 24, 2012   #8
I have edited this essay before, did you fix the edits that I wrote? There were some logistical problems with sentence structure and word choice. Some of your sentences are fragments.
OP AzizZ 2 / 24 1  
Nov 24, 2012   #9
Yes I did change what i thought were fragments and i added more detail to it so how it is now? what does it need?Is there any fragments still? if so where are they? help please i am not to good in english it's my second language
suzeroonie 3 / 17 1  
Nov 24, 2012   #10
Advanced technology and the variety of services.

That part is a fragment. You do not specify what it is about advanced tech and the variety of services. What are you trying to say here?
OP AzizZ 2 / 24 1  
Nov 24, 2012   #11
How about this?

I immigrated from Morocco to America a couple of years ago and i am now living in the luxuries of America from advanced technology to the variety of services.
suzeroonie 3 / 17 1  
Nov 24, 2012   #12
Why don't you try "A couple of years ago I immigrated from Morocco to America, and I am now living with American luxuries, such as advanced technology and a variety of services."

I would specify what variety of services you have though, instead of just saying a variety of services.


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