What do you guys think of my essay answering the prompt "Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story." Does it show that I like making my own path in life?
I'm at my starting point. I have already walked ten times round my room and parts of my left arm feel rough from brushing a few times against the two chairs in my room. I stop for a brief moment and change to an anti-clockwise direction. Although I revolve my room at four times per minute, my mind moves at Mach speed. I'm now capable of a depth of concentration that is normally denied to my fickle mind.
I summon memories orderly, starting from my childhood. As I move along my timeline I hit upon the time when my father was unemployed for a long stretch of time for the first time. This was the time that I first experienced borderline poverty and the impression that this 'riches to rags' experience had on me was an unfavorable one. For a long time I had no qualms about losing tennis balls (with which I played cricket at the time) every other day but in an instant this changed and I had to make sure I didn't lose any tennis balls for at least a week or I couldn't play cricket for the rest of the week. My mother had to scramble to find jobs at private clinics to make ends meet. While my mother's health suffered due to a lack of free time, I suffered from social isolation and bad grades. Poverty in a third world country is not kind to anyone. However, even a rock couldn't have kept me down forever. At one point I realized that brooding over my father's unemployment would not get me results and I took control of my life. I started experimenting with my social interactions and my studies. When others would talk to me I would smile and compare its effects with those of a neutral expression. In studies, I experimented with memorization and learning by heart and found that the latter had always suited me better. I could finish in a few hours what would take a few days to memorize. While my social life has improved gradually, my grades rose drastically. I shocked my naysayer teachers by getting 8 As on my O'levels after getting lower than average marks in 9th grade, the year before. My life has been on an uphill climb ever since and even setbacks like an emigration before I started the 12th grade only motivates me to make the best use of my time.
I sit down on my bed tired after walking round and round for so long. While my legs rest, my mind soars. The endless possibilities I have created with my own hands are spread before me. I wouldn't exchange my experience of overcoming poverty for any other.
Dear Abacada,
As I read, your essay is quite good.
Here I suggest you some corrections:
- I think you don't have to put "I'm at my starting point" sentence because actually your next sentences mean you have been already started with it.
- Don't you think that the first paragraph is the past activity? So, you need to put it into past grammar. Moreover, because you are talking about background story, I think it will be better if you replaced the first paragraph with your general condition about your family things.
It would be my pleasure to answer another things to make your essay more better.
Best regards
-indah-
Maybe I missed it here, but what exactly is so central to your identity? What specifically is so central to who you are, that if I asked 5 of your closest friends/family at least 3 will mention this aspect in describing you? -Admissions Advice Online
Most will say I'm stubborn but likeable. If you give them enough time they will probably also say that I like making my own path in life and that I'm optimistic. Does the essay show these two characteristics?
indah_hai
Is this alright? 'I'm back at my starting point'
I didn't understand your second point. Walking is my present activity and I'm thinking back on my past.
I'm kind of torn between making the whole essay about family conditions and keeping it as it is. I actually wanted to make the whole essay about walking and thinking scientific thoughts(for a different commonapp prompt) but then people told me that my family conditions were much more dramatic and so I wrote this instead. I am very reluctant to change the first and last(last four lines) paragraphs because of this. I also think that the last paragraph shows the optimism that has become a part of me because of my background. Thank you for your advice and I hope you will write back.
I'm at my starting point. I have already walked ten times round my room and parts of my left arm feel rough from brushing a few times against the two chairs in my room. I stop for a brief moment and change to an anti-clockwise direction. Although I revolve my room at four times per minute, my mind moves at Mach speed. I'm now capable of a depth of concentration that is normally denied to my fickle mind.
These lines do not deliver anything that is relevant to your prompt. I strongly advise you not to waste words. You need to make sure that your answer helps them (admission officers) capture yourself. So tell them a story that finally makes you up. Have your focus on that!
This is what I copied from a website. Hope it would help you;
Make sure your essay captures YOU. The admissions folks should finish reading your essay with a much clearer sense of who you are and what it is that interests and motivates you. Also, make sure your essay paints a positive portrait. The admissions folks are considering inviting you to join their community. They will not want to extend an invitation to someone who comes across as insensitive, self-centered, boastful, narrow-minded, unimaginative or indifferent.
Last of all, pay attention to style, tone, and mechanics. The essay is largely about you, but it is also about your writing ability.Thank you for your invaluable advice dumi. I will delete the first paragraph. Can you tell me whether I should elaborate on how I became socially and academically isolated or on how I overcame this difficulty. Or should I write a different essay altogether.
Ok.. I think Dumi has explained what I meant that it will be good if you write the more introduction about yourself.
Well done, abacada!
Urgent: I need a reply within 3 hours to meet my uMich deadline. Is my revision better than my original post?
I summon memories orderly, starting from my childhood. As I move along my timeline I hit upon the time when my father was unemployed for a long stretch of time for the first time. This was the time that I first experienced borderline poverty and the impression that this 'riches to rags' experience had on me was an unfavorable one. I used to have no qualms about losing tennis balls (with which I played cricket at the time) at the rate of one per day but once it became clear that my father was not going to find a job any time soon I had to become a lot more humble. I could not, however, extend my humbleness to all parts of my life. At school, especially, I started avoiding my classmates so as not to show them any hint of my insecurities. After I transferred schools because even my mother's many new jobs at private clinics could not cover the tuition required at my previous school, not only did my social isolation become even more profound, I also suffered a huge drop in my grades. Coupled with the extreme lack of leisure from which my mother suffered while trying to make ends meet, the debilitating effects of poverty in a third world country was manifest in us.
However, even a boulder could not have kept me down forever. At one point I realized that brooding over my father's unemployment would not get me results and I took control of my life. I started experimenting with my social interactions and my studies. When others would talk to me I would smile and compare its effects with those of a neutral expression. In studies, I experimented with memorization and learning by heart and found that the latter had always suited me better. I could finish in a few hours what would take a few days to memorize. While my social life has improved gradually, my grades rose drastically. I shocked my naysayer teachers by getting 8 As on my O'levels after getting lower than average marks in 9th grade, the year before. My life has been on an uphill climb ever since and even setbacks like an emigration before I started the 12th grade only motivates me to make the best use of my time.
