I'd appreciate it if you guys can help proofread my writing for me. In addition, I'd also like to receive any constructive criticism and feedback that can help better my paper.
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Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I am an artist and I am proud to call myself one. This pride is not to boost my ego, but instead to glorify the positive impact that art has made in my life. Art has been my redemption from being led astray in life. To show my appreciation to art, I exemplify to others the allure of its power.
Art first seeped into my life when I was four years old, the age when I discovered that my mother was diagnosed with depression. Although I didn't understand what the term depression meant at that age, I knew that it wasn't good, judging based on the feeble physicality that my mother had and the large dose of medication she consumed on a daily basis. My mother's emotional instability consumed her and seeing her in agony, dissuaded me from having a psychological dependence on her, as I did want to add an additional weight to my mother's burden. Although she received treatment, her depression worsened over the following fifteen years due to the sequential deaths of eight of our pet dogs over a ten year period. Being raised in this parental circumstance has led me to have a missing active maternal figure.
To fill the void that this deficiency creates in my life, I have relied on art as a form of coping mechanism since childhood. Art listens to my problems with undivided attention and helps me deal with tribulation, misery, and failure by teaching me resilience and self-discipline. Whenever I come close to an emotional breakdown, instead of moping about it in my bedroom, I'd pick up my paintbrush, pencil, or camera and use my emotional drive as an outlet to create art. It becomes a practice for me to convert my negative energy into creating a beautiful piece of artwork. Art absorbs my input and helps me restrain myself from being overcome by feelings of rage and despair. After working on a project from minutes to days, I calm my mind while occupying myself with productive work. When my final product is complete, the pleasure I feel is so rewarding that it deflects the pessimistic feelings I initially had prior to the making of an art project.
Art plays an important role in my life because it has been my constant companion, stronghold, and guru through times of hardship. Although I've gained a lot from art, I believe that by creating art, I am also giving credibility to it in return. By placing my works in exhibitions, my art becomes a small contribution of encouragement to my community that demonstrates how one can turn struggles into triumph. With the collective works of diverse artists, I hope that viewers will appreciate the beauty in art and become inspired.
Additional Comments (optional)
If you wish, you may use this space to tell us anything else you want us to know about you that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application.
I want to clear up any confusions about the financial relationship I have with my parents. After my parent's divorce, I was raised by my single mother while my father paid for child support up until I was the age of eighteen. Currently, my father continues to pay for my education and living expense. However, he's no longer responsible for financing my mother, which is why she needs my financial support.
REVISED DRAFT I MADE!!!
I was also wondering if anyone thinks I should omit this information from my application since someone suggested me to do so. The reason why I included this in the additional comments is because I'm afraid the admission office will find contradicting information on other parts of my application. I had to write down my affluent father's income for the tax return part. But I also mention elsewhere that I have part time work and they wanted to know the earnings of my purpose and I stated it was to financially support my mother because she's unemployed.
Additional Comments (optional)
If you wish, you may use this space to tell us anything else you want us to know about you that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in the application.
So as to guard against any confusion about the financial relationship I have with my parents, I wish to clarify all that is significant to this matter. After my parents' divorce, I was raised by my single mother while my father issued payment for child support until I was the age of eighteen. Currently, my father pays me directly for my education and living expenses. However, he is no longer providing a source of income for my mother, which is why she needs my financial support.
This is overall all really great! I would simply try shifting more emphasis on how art not only affects you, by taking in the negative stuff, but how it has made your life for the better and something you can be proud of. The last sentence for instance was weakened with the verb hope, instead try some simple changes like: it is my goal and passion to transform the strokes of inanimate color on the canvases into fluid works of art that will bring the same sense of life joy that it has brought into my life, into the lives of my viewers.
Like i said great job overall, just work on the minor details and sentence structure so you can more heavily exemplify why the transformation is something you can be proud of.
Good luck! and the third time, just for a good measure, AWESOME JOB! :)
