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The power of Creativity common app essay

Leynorboard 6 / 16  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. (250-500 word limit)

Is it fitting to the prompt? Any other suggestions are very welcome, it is a rough draft.

To me it is my passion, others say it is my calling. My brain has always been building, creating, constructing, and inventing. As a child, hours were spent making clothes for my dolls rather than actually playing with them. Constructing buildings and towers out of cardboard boxes and Popsicle sticks is a warm memory from my childhood, and don't even get me started on the Play Dough. I guess it has always been making something out of nothing that I loved, that from a basic subject you can make something beautiful.

When I was sixteen, I wouldn't be playing anymore. I had to make something out of nothing to change my reality. I lost a secure income, I lost my home, I lost my family. Instinctively, perhaps, the gears in my head started turning. I would not just sit and accept this downfall. I made a decision: I would turn this emptiness into a masterpiece. I was not totally alone, my family was there. Physically, but not mentally. Mentally, emotionally, they were gone. I had to learn to be dependent on myself. I began to create, because with creativity I knew that anything is possible. I found yarn that was tucked away, and it clicked. I would make hats and sell them for money. And I did. In the middle of the year I wanted new clothes, and my creativity couldn't be helped, so I learned to make my own clothes. Five people living in a tiny two bedroom apartment meant I didn't have space, so I made space. With the help of my friends, I constructed a secret hut in the patch of woods by my apartment. Finally I had found security and kinship. It was here that I found something more; I found that I could reinvent my reality, because I did. It was here that my appreciation and understanding of the power of creativity grew, for without it I would be lost.

For having lost everything, I have a lot. I learned that with the right eye, even in the most doubtful places, abundance can be found. With inspiration as my eyes, vision as my brain, and drive as my guide, I will continue to create.

KhanhZ 5 / 131 7  
Dec 28, 2012   #2
Hello. Leyla)

Below is how I revised your essay:

Tha main problem with your essay is some kind of vaqueness in the second paragrapgh -- not enough background events are revealed to fully understand your situation, so work on that. Also try to vary your sentences.
OP Leynorboard 6 / 16  
Dec 28, 2012   #3
Thank you very much. I found this very helpful. :)
alicederp 10 / 56 4  
Dec 29, 2012   #4
Hi there!

"The taste of just "barely getting by" was of salt." <- Something little but instead of salt, try bitter?

I think your revised draft flows a lot better while still maintaining your strong tone from the first version. A suggestion though is to elaborate more on what you learned from this experience, perhaps with specific examples.

It would be greatly appreciated if you offered any comments or suggestions on mine!

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