This is my response to the CA Essay Prompt of why I wish to transfer, and what my objectives are in doing so.
(Note: the title has my real name instead of my screen name before ".edu")
During the summer of 2008, while taking courses at my high school to bypass my junior year, I
constructed my direction towards college. Attending a four year university was a choice, and I was
confident in my record, but my options were limited. The U.S. economy was steering towards an
uncertain future, and with all the horror stories I had heard about student loans, I did not want to burden
my family immediately out of high school. I decided on the "safer route" - enrolling in classes at a two
year community college. Money would be saved, and I would have the advantage of accumulating
transferrable credits and being able to shift to a four year institute as a junior.
Now, with an associate's degree in hand, and the future of the economy looking clearer, I am ready
to take that step. My time at (community college name) has been wonderful, and the decision
I made was an excellent one. I have made new friends and have had terrific experiences at this school that
will always stick with me. I am focused, though, on receiving my bachelor's degree, continuing my quest
for greater knowledge, and becoming a more independent person. A four year university provides me with
these opportunities.
The power of education means a great deal to my family. Both of my parents moved to the United
States from (country name) for the purpose of receiving their degrees. While those plans were cut short by my
brothers and me (oops), the significance of school remained as we grew older - our grades and
performances in school, we learned, always come before our athletics and activities. I carry those
standards firmly as I prepare for the next step in my life.
Yet I do not wish to attend college simply to receive a degree. I wish to gain more from university
than my name on a scroll. The purpose of higher education is not to make your résumé look better for
potential employers - it is to become a better person by gaining knowledge inside and outside of the
classrooms at universities. To study and explore your passions and your interests, and then to make a
career of them is what higher education means to me, and I will uphold that belief.
Apart from the academic advantages, a four year institute would provide me with proactivity and
autonomy. The (city name) area has been my home for all nineteen years of my existence, and I
would not trade it for any upbringing elsewhere. It is home, and it always will be. Yet I long to travel to new
places and meet new people. I want to see the world through my own eyes, and experience it on my
terms. Every person has to leave their nests eventually - some choose to come back, while others build
their own elsewhere. To live, independently and freely, is at my discretion at university.
My potential and my will to succeed will serve me well at the next level of my collegiate career. I look
forward to the opportunity to receive a degree and to take another step towards becoming a greater person.
Thoughts and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks for taking a gander.
During the summer of 2008, while taking courses at my high school to bypass my junior year, I
constructed my direction towards college. Attending a four year university was a choice, and I was
confident in my record, but my options were limited.
In 2008 the U.S. economy (was steering towards an uncertain future)***, and with all the horror stories I had heard
about student loans, I did not want to burden my family immediately out of high school. I decided on the
safer route of enrolling in classes at a two-year community college.
Money would be saved, and I would have the advantage of accumulating
transferrable credits and being able to shift to a four-year institute as a junior.
***another way to say this?
Now, with an associate's degree in hand, and the future of the economy looking clearer, I am ready
to take that step. My time at (community college name) has been wonderful, and the decision
I made was an excellent one. I have made new friends and have had terrific experiences at this school that
will always stick with me. I am focused, though, on receiving my bachelor's degree, continuing my quest
for greater knowledge, and becoming a more independent person. A four year university provides me with
these opportunities.
The power of education means a great deal to my family. Both of my parents moved to the United
States from (country name) for the purpose of receiving their degrees. While those plans were cut short by my
brothers and me (oops) , the significance of school remained as we grew older our grades and
performances in school, we learned, always come before our athletics and activities. I carry those
standards firmly as I prepare for the next step in my life.
Yet I do not wish to attend college simply to receive a degree. I wish to gain more from university
than my name on a scroll. The purpose of higher education is not to make your résumé look better for
potential employers - it is to become a better person by gaining knowledge inside and outside of the
classrooms at universities. To study and explore your passions and your interests, and then to make a
career of them is what higher education means to me, and I will uphold that belief.
Apart from the academic advantages, a four year institute would provide me with proactivity and
autonomy. The (city name) area has been my home for all nineteen years of my existence, and I
would not trade it for any upbringing elsewhere. It is home, and it always will be. Yet I long to travel to new
places and meet new people. I want to see the world through my own eyes, and experience it on my
terms. Every person has to leave their nests eventually - some choose to come back, while others build
their own elsewhere. To live, independently and freely, is at my discretion at university.
My potential and my will to succeed will serve me well at the next level of my collegiate career. I look
forward to the opportunity to receive a degree and to take another step towards becoming a greater person.
****Hmmmm. Did you rip this essay out of a book of college applications? What University? What's your major?
What have you done? What do you think? You could even find famous alumni from the school and tell why
you want to be like them. That's how you write an essay. You don't write a generic essay for college! You have
two years of college experience? I'll be happy to read another draft****
Thanks for the feedback.
The reason that it sounded so generic was because I withheld some of my information from the post - not the best of ideas on my part.
I will post a revised version maybe tomorrow - I am a bit busy at the moment.
