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We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley


Charphil 5 / 27 10  
Oct 28, 2014   #1
Please feel free to elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (250 word limit)- I have 207 words

I had never stopped to think how powerless we, humans, are until Dani passed away, for he had Leukemia. He was only an 11-year old innocent, sweet boy who had his whole life ahead of him. This was the turning point for me. When I was 14, I decided to join K Space's volunteering crew. K Space is an institution that promotes social services for needy children, for people with disabilities, and for children who suffer from delicate conditions.

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restinpizza 7 / 15  
Oct 28, 2014   #2
I feel like you should a little more personality to the essay. Right now, it feels like anyone could have written it and that you didn't foster a personal connection to the kids, which is something admissions is looking for
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 28, 2014   #3
Philipe, your essay, as Lauren mentioned, lacks a personal connection with the kids. You mentioned the death of Danny, but you never tied it into the volunteer activity that you were doing. How do the two relate? Dani was special to you since you mentioned him specifically in this story so you should really work on developing that connection because it shows the importance of the extra curricular activity to you.

I suggest that you start the essay by introducing your extra curricular activity and a brief explanation of what you do there. Then proceed to Dani and explain about your relationship with him and how it relates to the mission and goals or objectives of the organization you work with. Finally, detail how meeting and working with Dani affected you as a person and how it possibly changed you and your life in a way. That will make this activity more memorable and show its importance to you in terms of personal development.
OP Charphil 5 / 27 10  
Oct 29, 2014   #4
Ok, Thanks! I'll add the edited version soon
Sire 3 / 4  
Oct 29, 2014   #5
hat's a big improvement. I think Dani's passing would have a greater affect on the reader if you revealed that later in the essay. Try to tell us who Dani is and why he's important to you so he becomes important to the reader as well. Then you can reveal his death for a much greater impact.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 31, 2014   #6
Philipe, the essay is a bit confusing because you are jumping around between how you became involved with the KSpace volunteer program, then introducing us to Dani and that he is the reason you volunteered, he was a family friend, and he helped you reevaluate your priorities. The way I see it, You should first mention Dani and why he was the reason you volunteered for KSpace. After you establish that all of the other information you can provide about your work as a volunteer will fall into place and be better accepted since it will no longer be confusing for the reader to understand :-)
OP Charphil 5 / 27 10  
Oct 31, 2014   #7
Hey Louisa, thanks for pointing that out. Should I just change the order of the text like I did below? Show I add anything else? How can I improve it even more? I think now it sounds better because I first introduce Dani (like you suggested) and why I decided to volunteer at K Space. Then, I say a bit about KSpace and what I do there as a volunteer, what I feel and my connection to the kids, and last, I "tie back"to Dani, kind of summarize everything. What do you think?
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 31, 2014   #8
- Philipe, let's try to expand upon this statement by mentioning if Dani was already a part of their program and you volunteered because you wanted to do more for him and others who were suffering the same plight as him. It will help explain why you chose this program in particular out of all the volunteer programs out there.

- So this not a current experience for you? Is it ongoing? We need to clarify this portion because as a reader, I just got confused as to when all of these things started happening for you. So now we need to concentrate on 2 things, introducing Dani, the program, and when exactly you started with it. Point out if this is an ongoing experience for you as well.

- You need to get personal with this part. Tell us the changes that happened to you as a person because of the experience with Dani and the program. Show us that side of you that the other common apps may not touch upon. This is your chance to do that. Don't be timid. Tell us about it.
OP Charphil 5 / 27 10  
Oct 31, 2014   #9
What do you think Louisa? I tried really hard to fit everything you suggested into it.. Word limit makes everything harder LOL :)

Dani was like a young brother to me. I have known him since he was born. He was an 11-year old innocent, genial boy who had his whole life ahead of him when he was first diagnosed with Leukemia. He then started to attend an institution called KSpace. KSpace has been promoting social services for needy children and for children who have delicate conditions since 2003. When I found out about his cancer, I decided to do anything to ease his plight and so, I volunteered at KSpace.

I have been volunteering at KSpace since I was 14 - when Dani joined the program. Weekly, I play with dozens of children to make them smile. Scavenger Hunts and cooking are among the kids' favorites. Hear them laugh at jokes brings me peace of mind and optimism. Receiving hugs from them and hearing they would miss me is always gratifying because I know that is their way of thanking me for being there for them.

People say that we only value what is ours until it's gone; it hurts to let go. Nevertheless, Dani taught me to be thankful for what I am and for what I have, and dexterous to grab every opportunity that knocks on my door. Unfortunately, Dani passed away. Today, helping his peers to keep their hopes up is my opportunity to make a difference, what motivates me to keep on exerting positive influence upon those who need it the most; and this is called character.

Word Count: 249
OP Charphil 5 / 27 10  
Nov 1, 2014   #10
@vangiespen can you please check this out and give some feed back? Thanks!
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 2, 2014   #11
Philipe, I hope you won't mind that I gave writing this a shot. It came in at 240 words:

Remember how people say that some people enter your life just so they can effect a change in you? That happened to me once. The person who changed my life was named Dani. He was the child of a family friend who was diagnosed with Lukemia at the age of 11. We were closer than any siblings could have ever been so I took his diagnosis pretty hard and promised myself that I would spend all the time that i could with him, creating memories for both of us. So when he joined the KSpace program, which promotes social services for needy children and children with delicate conditions, I felt that I had to join him as a volunteer. This life changing event happened in 2003, when I was 14. Now Dani is gone but his legacy within me lives on as I continue my volunteer work at KSpace. Spending time with the kids and playing with them is always gratifying for me because I saw how these little moments of happiness changed their lives too through the time I spent with Dani at KSpace. Thanks to Dani, I now know the value of life and opportunity. His memory helps me to stay motivated in exerting a positive influence upon these kids by helping them deal with their situation. I give the children joy and hope, in return Dani and these kids helped me to develop my strength of character.

Feel free to use it entirely or make it the basis of your next revision. Whichever you prefer :-)


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